YVONNE DE CARLO - January 8
Lily Munster leaps into the dumpster.
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CARLO PONTI - January 9
Now Sophia Loren's available!
Except that now she's, like, 99 by now.
(It's certainly not a good 24-hour period to have a "Carlo" in your name.)
________________________________________
ART BUCHWALD - January 17
Art the fart made a living mainly from writing that most
politicians were just dumb crooks. Wow, whatta genius.
You don't often see real originality like that...
except, like, every five minutes or so.
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TIGE ANDREWS - January 27
In the '60s TV series The Mod Squad, he played the top cop.
But these days he's at a full stop.
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SIDNEY SHELDON - January 30
Ya, he wrote those cheesy novels, but he knew he could get away with it
since he'd already invented the super-sexy TV show I Dream Of Jeannie.
________________________________________
LEW BURDETTE - February 6
Out of all the pitchers the Braves ever had,
he was one of the bravest - and best.
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FRANKIE LAINE - February 6
This mule trainer had a raw hide...
that is, until the guy up and died.
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ANNA NICOLE SMITH - February 8
Blarp! And another pill-popping druggie
turns up dead as a buggie!
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THOMAS EAGLETON - March 4
Ran for V.P. but didn't win, since he turned out to be crazy.
Now he's crazy and dead. Wow, some people just can't win.
Oh, ya - we already covered that.
The "eagle" has landed - in fact, it crash-landed.
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ERNEST GALLO - March 6
Hey, Ernie - say hello to your dead bro Julio.
But we always preferred Christian Brothers, anyway.
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BRAD DELP - March 9
This Boston rock group guy died without a yelp.
And all that dope was certainly no help.
________________________________________
BETTY HUTTON - March 11
For life she was once a glutton,
but now she's stopped chewin' her mutton.
Yes, her mouth is finally shuttin'
because somebody punched her button.
________________________________________
LARRY "BUD" MELMAN - March 19
He was really some guy named Calvert De Forest,
but nobody could see the forest for the... glee.
(Hee-hee!)
________________________________________
ROSCOE LEE BROWNE - April 11
One of the first actors ever to do that
really annoying three names thing.
________________________________________
KURT VONNEGUT - April 11
Slaughterhouse 5?
Thanks, but the usual mortuary for one will be fine.
________________________________________
DON HO - April 14
Hawaiian inventor of the ho.
He worked his way up to big bootys,
after starting out working with tiny bubbles.
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KITTY CARLISLE - April 17
One for Carlisle in the graveyard aisle.
Seems she was a game show panelist for, like, forever.
And she almost lived for, like, forever.
So please, no pity for Kitty.
________________________________________
BORIS YELTSIN - April 23
Some Ruskie head guy or something,
who we're pretty sure must have
invented some new kind of vodka.
(At least he researched it an awful lot.)
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JACK VALENTI - April 26
Mr. Valenti
liked to censor movies plenty.
Now jerky old Jack
is only seeing black.
________________________________________
TOM POSTON - April 30
Now in hell he's roastin'.
(Just kiddin', Posty ol' pal!)
________________________________________
WALTER SCHIRRA - May 3
Now he's an astro-not!
________________________________________
JERRY FALWELL - May 15
Jerry Falwell now tells Hustler magazine about
his first time in hell - where his mother already is.
Larry Flynt wins... again!
________________________________________
CHARLES NELSON REILLY - May 25
From Mrs. Muir to the Match game,
this tiger was anything but tame! Rowrrr!
(And he was another very early member
of the showbiz "three name" club.)
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DON "MR. WIZARD" HERBERT - June 12
You knew schools were headed for trouble
when kids were learning more stuff from
TV than they ever were in real life.
________________________________________
JOEL SIEGEL - June 29
Yet another know-nothing movie critic.
Except this bum also ripped off fellow critic
Gene Shallit for his shtick, which really
wasn't any good in the first place.
________________________________________
BEVERLY SILLS - July 2
The opera must be only half way over fast,
because the semi-fat lady just sang her last.
________________________________________
CLAUDIA "LADY BIRD" JOHNSON - July 11
Former first lady who started the
Keep America Beautiful campaign.
Burying Johnson and that ugly stone face
of hers is a huge step in that direction.
________________________________________
TAMMY FAYE BAKKER - July 20
Now we can only "pray" that "de lawd"
also zaps her equally crooked hubby Jim.
________________________________________
TOM SNYDER - July 29
Dead enough, sir - dead enough.
________________________________________
MICHELANGELO ANTONIONI - July 30
Now just so much baloney.
________________________________________
INGMAR BERGMAN - July 30
In mud buried, man.
(Must be Dead Euro Director's Day.)
________________________________________
MERV GRIFFIN - August 12
Ahhh... this time he won't be right back.
And he said he "created" the Wheel Of Fortune concept?
Wrong - he stole the whole thing from an Elvis Presley movie!
(You know - the one with Pat Harrington,
where Elvis is an ex-Navy frogman.)
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PHIL RIZZUTO - August 13
Rizzuto goes kaput-o!
________________________________________
LEONA HELMSLEY - August 20
That rotten old real estate crook
certainly showed the hell in Helmsley.
________________________________________
LUCIANO PAVAROTTI - September 6
One of those big opera guys. And we do mean b-i-g.
________________________________________
JANE WYMAN - September 10
She was the one smart enough to not stay married to Ronnie Raygun.
________________________________________
ALICE GHOSTLEY - September 21
Wow, now she's really getting ghostley!
________________________________________
MARCEL MARCEAU - September 22
Neighbors said he was always a quiet guy who kept to himself.
________________________________________
DEBORAH KERR - October 16
When you speak of this death later -
and I know you will, because I'm psychic -
treat Deborah gently, with tea and sympathy.
________________________________________
JOEY BISHOP - October 17
Well, the Rat Pack
won't have the Bishop
to bash around anymore!
(Oh, ya - Joey was the last one.
Which means Jerry Lewis wins!
Oh, Dean! Hey, lay-dee!)
________________________________________
ROBERT GOULET - October 30
If ever you would leave us?
Apparently you just did, you lying bastard!
________________________________________
LARAINE DAY - November 10
Make that Night.
________________________________________
NORMAN MAILER - November 10
The Norman Is The Dead.
________________________________________
ROGER SMITH - November 29
Now Ann Margret's available, just like Sophia.
Wow, this is getting to be a regular
Grumpier Old Men hubby bloodbath!
Anyway, Smith was in that 77 Sunset Strip thing.
(In the photo he's the one in the very back.)
________________________________________
EVEL KNIEVEL - November 30
He's one dead motorbike weevil.
________________________________________
IKE TURNER - December 12
Not such a coke-snorting, chick-smacking,
mailman-shooting big-mouth now, are ya?
________________________________________
OSCAR PETERSON - December 23
Oscar played those keys
like a refreshing breeze!
If there's a musical heaven,
and they need a jazzy pianoman,
then they've got a helluva band!
(Okay, sometimes we have to
paraphrase things around here.)
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= WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS YEAR, FOLKS! BUT STAY TUNED - YOU KNOW THE GRIM REAPER AIN'T DONE WITH THOSE CELEBS YET! MEANWHILE, ON THE UPPER RIGHT YOU CAN ALWAYS CHECK OUT THE
LIST OF LATE LAMENTED LAYABOUTS FROM OTHER YEARS! ENJOY! =