2007

YVONNE DE CARLO - January 8

Lily Munster leaps into the dumpster.
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CARLO PONTI - January 9

Now Sophia Loren's available!
Except that now she's, like, 99 by now.
(It's certainly not a good 24-hour period to have a "Carlo" in your name.)
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ART BUCHWALD - January 17

Art the fart made a living mainly from writing that most
politicians were just dumb crooks. Wow, whatta genius.
You don't often see real originality like that...
except, like, every five minutes or so.
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TIGE ANDREWS - January 27

In the '60s TV series The Mod Squad, he played the top cop.
But these days he's at a full stop.
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SIDNEY SHELDON - January 30

Ya, he wrote those cheesy novels, but he knew he could get away with it
since he'd already invented the super-sexy TV show I Dream Of Jeannie.
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LEW BURDETTE - February 6

Out of all the pitchers the Braves ever had,
he was one of the bravest - and best.
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FRANKIE LAINE - February 6

This mule trainer had a raw hide...
that is, until the guy up and died.
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ANNA NICOLE SMITH - February 8

Blarp! And another pill-popping druggie
turns up dead as a buggie!
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THOMAS EAGLETON - March 4

Ran for V.P. but didn't win, since he turned out to be crazy.
Now he's crazy and dead. Wow, some people just can't win.
Oh, ya - we already covered that.
The "eagle" has landed - in fact, it crash-landed.
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ERNEST GALLO - March 6

Hey, Ernie - say hello to your dead bro Julio.
But we always preferred Christian Brothers, anyway.
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BRAD DELP - March 9

This Boston rock group guy died without a yelp.
And all that dope was certainly no help.
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BETTY HUTTON - March 11

For life she was once a glutton,
but now she's stopped chewin' her mutton.
Yes, her mouth is finally shuttin'
because somebody punched her button.
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LARRY "BUD" MELMAN - March 19

He was really some guy named Calvert De Forest,
but nobody could see the forest for the... glee.
(Hee-hee!)
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ROSCOE LEE BROWNE - April 11

One of the first actors ever to do that
really annoying three names thing.
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KURT VONNEGUT - April 11

Slaughterhouse 5?
Thanks, but the usual mortuary for one will be fine.
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DON HO - April 14

Hawaiian inventor of the ho.
He worked his way up to big bootys,
after starting out working with tiny bubbles.
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KITTY CARLISLE - April 17

One for Carlisle in the graveyard aisle.
Seems she was a game show panelist for, like, forever.
And she almost lived for, like, forever.
So please, no pity for Kitty.
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BORIS YELTSIN - April 23

Some Ruskie head guy or something,
who we're pretty sure must have
invented some new kind of vodka.
(At least he researched it an awful lot.)
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JACK VALENTI - April 26

Mr. Valenti
liked to censor movies plenty.
Now jerky old Jack
is only seeing black.
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TOM POSTON - April 30

Now in hell he's roastin'.
(Just kiddin', Posty ol' pal!)
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WALTER SCHIRRA - May 3

Now he's an astro-not!
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JERRY FALWELL - May 15

Jerry Falwell now tells Hustler magazine about
his first time in hell - where his mother already is.
Larry Flynt wins... again!
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CHARLES NELSON REILLY - May 25

From Mrs. Muir to the Match game,
this tiger was anything but tame! Rowrrr!
(And he was another very early member
of the showbiz "three name" club.)
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DON "MR. WIZARD" HERBERT - June 12

You knew schools were headed for trouble
when kids were learning more stuff from
TV than they ever were in real life.
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JOEL SIEGEL - June 29

Yet another know-nothing movie critic.
Except this bum also ripped off fellow critic
Gene Shallit for his shtick, which really
wasn't any good in the first place.
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BEVERLY SILLS - July 2

The opera must be only half way over fast,
because the semi-fat lady just sang her last.
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CLAUDIA "LADY BIRD" JOHNSON - July 11

Former first lady who started the
Keep America Beautiful campaign.
Burying Johnson and that ugly stone face
of hers is a huge step in that direction.
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TAMMY FAYE BAKKER - July 20

Now we can only "pray" that "de lawd"
also zaps her equally crooked hubby Jim.
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TOM SNYDER - July 29

Dead enough, sir - dead enough.
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MICHELANGELO ANTONIONI - July 30

Now just so much baloney.
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INGMAR BERGMAN - July 30

In mud buried, man.

(Must be Dead Euro Director's Day.)
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MERV GRIFFIN - August 12

Ahhh... this time he won't be right back.
And he said he "created" the Wheel Of Fortune concept?
Wrong - he stole the whole thing from an Elvis Presley movie!
(You know - the one with Pat Harrington,
where Elvis is an ex-Navy frogman.)
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PHIL RIZZUTO - August 13

Rizzuto goes kaput-o!
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LEONA HELMSLEY - August 20

That rotten old real estate crook
certainly showed the hell in Helmsley.
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LUCIANO PAVAROTTI - September 6

One of those big opera guys. And we do mean b-i-g.
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JANE WYMAN - September 10

She was the one smart enough to not stay married to Ronnie Raygun.
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ALICE GHOSTLEY - September 21

Wow, now she's really getting ghostley!
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MARCEL MARCEAU - September 22

Neighbors said he was always a quiet guy who kept to himself.
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DEBORAH KERR - October 16

When you speak of this death later -
and I know you will, because I'm psychic -
treat Deborah gently, with tea and sympathy.
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JOEY BISHOP - October 17

Well, the Rat Pack
won't have the Bishop
to bash around anymore!

(Oh, ya - Joey was the last one.
Which means Jerry Lewis wins!
Oh, Dean! Hey, lay-dee!)
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ROBERT GOULET - October 30

If ever you would leave us?
Apparently you just did, you lying bastard!
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LARAINE DAY - November 10

Make that Night.
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NORMAN MAILER - November 10

The Norman Is The Dead.
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ROGER SMITH - November 29

Now Ann Margret's available, just like Sophia.
Wow, this is getting to be a regular
Grumpier Old Men hubby bloodbath!

Anyway, Smith was in that 77 Sunset Strip thing.
(In the photo he's the one in the very back.)
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EVEL KNIEVEL - November 30

He's one dead motorbike weevil.
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IKE TURNER - December 12

Not such a coke-snorting, chick-smacking,
mailman-shooting big-mouth now, are ya?
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OSCAR PETERSON - December 23

Oscar played those keys
like a refreshing breeze!
If there's a musical heaven,
and they need a jazzy pianoman,
then they've got a helluva band!

(Okay, sometimes we have to
paraphrase things around here.)
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= WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS YEAR, FOLKS! BUT STAY TUNED - YOU KNOW THE GRIM REAPER AIN'T DONE WITH THOSE CELEBS YET! MEANWHILE, ON THE UPPER RIGHT YOU CAN ALWAYS CHECK OUT THE
LIST OF LATE LAMENTED LAYABOUTS FROM OTHER YEARS! ENJOY! =