PATTI PAGE - January 1
How Much Is That Dead Body In The Window?
It's Time To Turn The Page.
Certainly answers who the first famous cold one of 2013 will be.
Our little Patti cakes was a popular 1950s singer,
whose cutsie chart-toppers included The Tennessee Waltz
(played in the above video), and answering the musical question
How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?)
Anyway, Happy New Year - you're dead!
(Click on above image to play video.)
HUELL HOWSER - January 7
Always delightful local TV travelogue
and community history host.
(Age: 67 COD: Prostate cancer.)
CONRAD BAIN - January 14
Actor on stage (20 years), then on TV with
Maude (6 years) and Different Strokes (9 years).
That's a whole lotta virtually non-stop acting. Just sayin'.
DEAR ABBY - January 16
Dear Abby, drop dead!
- Frustrated in Flushing
(AKA Pauline Phillips.)
Well, the Phillips twins had a good run
(Pauline's sister Ann was "Ann Landers."),
for gals who were both just handed columns without
doing any real news reporting or feature writing first.
Now some idiot cartoonist will scribble the usual generic
"pearly gates" masterpiece, showing Abby meeting Ann in
Heaven, with predictable dialogue like, "What TOOK you, sis?"
STAN MUSIAL - January 19
A Great From The Gashouse Gang.
"Stan The Man" Musial won seven National League batting titles,
was a three-time MVP, and helped the St. Louis Cardinals
capture three World Series championships in the 1940s.
He spent his entire 22-year career with the Cards,
and ended up hitting 475 homeruns.
EARL WEAVER - January 19
You Always Lose On A Death Cruise.
(Same day as Stan Musial.)
"Earl The Churl" Weaver did two tours as a
Baltimore Orioles manager, totaling 17 seasons,
winning four American League pennants and a World Series.
During an Orioles-sponsored cruise, he suddenly collapsed and died.
(In his playing days before managing,
he was also with the Cardinals, just like Musial.)
The bird is the word, and those birds are finally done with him.
MICHAEL WINNER - January 21
And the Winner is... no more.
A good action movie director,
he made the following faves:
Death Wish 2
Death Wish 3
Appointment with Death
The Wicked Lady
The Stone Killer
Won Ton Ton: The Dog Who Saved Hollywood
PATTY ANDREWS - January 30
Boogie-Woogie Basket Ghouls.
Patty (center) was the last surviving member of the Andrews Sisters
singing trio, who saw their greatest fame during World War II, before
America started fighting wars mainly for gun-running and oil-hoarding.
Her other sisters were Laverne and... some other chick. (Not Shirley.)
MALINDA MCCREADY - February 17
Apparently, she wasn't ready.
Yet another drug and booze-guzzling country singer suicide.
Happy 3 days after Valentine's Day - you're dead!
DALE ROBERTSON - February 26
Among many other productions, this talented western actor also
starred in the hit TV series Tales Of Wells Fargo from 1957-1962.
VAN CLIBURN - February 27
(Must have heard about Dale Robertson the day before.)
And may you von cli-burn in hell!
Just trying to insert some drama into an otherwise
really boring item about some glorified ivory-tickler.
BONNIE FRANKLIN - March 1
One Grave At A Time.
Franklin, my dear, I don't give a Bon.
Although you were a cross-eyed icon of the '70s,
somehow you still never actually lived to be 70.
Wow, pretty ironic, huh, Miz Romano?
ALVIN LEE - March 6
Created a sensation at the already sensational 1970 live music concert
Woodstock, while leading the blues-rock group Ten Years After.
He was also nick-named "the fastest guitar in the west."
And rightly so.
HARRY REEMS - March 20
Not anymore, he doesn't.
Another classic porn star bites the big one.
(Okay, pun intended that time.)
(Age: 65. C.O.D.: Cancer.)
ROGER EBERT - April 4
(Left to right: Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert.)
Grim Reaper to Ebert: Thumbs down.
Another critic we won't have - to kick films around anymore.
And so until next time, "We'll no longer see HIM at the MOO-VEES!"
Happy 3 days after April Fools Day - you're dead!
(Age: 70. C.O.D.: Cancer.)
ANNETTE FUNICELLO - APRIL 8
She did it Disney style.
Teen star of The Mickey Mouse Club and
grownup star of a buncha beach movies.
In the dark days of the pre-porn era,
she brought more young boys to instant
puberty than anyone on the planet.
(Age: 70. C.O.D.: MS.)
MARGARET THATCHER - APRIL 8
Looks like the "iron lady" was
just made of tinfoil, after all.
(Same day as Annette Funicello.)
Ever wonder if her thatched roof
also matched her thatch?
Didn't think so.
JONATHAN WINTERS - APRIL 11
It's springtime again, you hamburger.
Some classics from this kooky cutup comic:
It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming
Mork And Mindy (TV series), Mork And Mindy (TV series)
(Age: 87. C.O.D.: Being the same age as Margaret Freaking Thatcher!)
PAT SUMMERALL - April 16
Summer's over, too.
Long-time sports announcer.
RICHIE HAVENS - April 26
Singer, musician and songwriter who starred
at the original 1969 Woodstock music festival
with his amazing anthem Freedom.
(Age: 72. C.O.D.: Heart Attack.)
GEORGE JONES - April 26
(Same day as Richie Havens.)
By George, I think he's plotted!
Long-time country singer.
DEANNA DURBIN - April 28
Popular 1940s singer and movie star,
with that classic girl-next-door look.
CHRIS KELLY - May 1
(Pictured: Kelly (right) and Chris Smith.
AKA Mac Daddy and Daddy Mac - or vise versa.)
Wonder if they buried him backwards?
Member of 1990s backwards-dressing
kid rap duo called Kriss Kross.
(Age: 34. C.O.D.: Dope Overdose.)
JEFF HANNEMANN - May 2
(Must have heard about Chris Kelly the day before.)
Live by the Slayer,
get slayed by the Slayer.
So says the Slayer!
(Just trying to slasher rock things up.)
Guitarist and the founder of a little rock group known as... da Slayer.
(Age: 49.] [C.O.D.: Liver Failure.)
MARIO MACHADO - May 4
"Me... and ma... sha-dow..." are now gone.
Emmy-winning TV news anchor, journalist and actor
(Scarface, Robo Cop, St. Elmo's Fire).
Happy day before Cinco De Mayo - you're dead!
(Age: 78. C.O.D.: Complications Of Pneumonia.)
RAY HARRYHAUSEN - May 7
The pioneer of stop-action movie making.
As producer or creator of special visual
effects, here are some of his greatest hits:
1981 Clash of the Titans
1977 Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger
1973 The Golden Voyage of Sinbad
1969 The Valley of Gwangi
1966 One Million Years B.C.
1964 First Men in the Moon
1963 Jason and the Argonauts
1961 Mysterious Island
1960 The 3 Worlds of Gulliver
1958 The 7th Voyage of Sinbad
1957 20 Million Miles to Earth
1956 Earth vs. the Flying Saucers
1955 It Came from Beneath the Sea
1949 Mighty Joe Young
(Age: 92. C.O.D.: Being Fantastically Old.)
DR. JOYCE BROTHERS - May 13
Brothers, we're really gonna miss ya, sister. Huh?!
Hey, you remember that always pleasant
and entertaining TV pop psychologist?
Well, she just popped off.
BILLIE SOL ESTES - May 14
(Must have heard about Dr. Joyce Brothers the day before.)
Local Billie Makes Bad.
Another Texas tinhorn con-man who thought he discovered
the scam known as crooked real estate all by himself.
= WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS YEAR, FOLKS! BUT STAY TUNED - YOU KNOW THE GRIM REAPER AIN'T DONE WITH THOSE CELEBS YET! MEANWHILE, ON THE UPPER RIGHT YOU CAN ALWAYS CHECK OUT THE LIST OF LATE LAMENTED LAYABOUTS FROM OTHER YEARS! ENJOY! =