JERRY QUARRY - January 3

People whose jaws are
from glass quarrys
shouldn't be boxers.
__________________________________________________

IRON EYES CODY - January 4

Turned out this tearful
"injun" was really Italian.
So don't pollute - capice?
__________________________________________________

SUSAN STRASBERG - January 20

Played Anne Frank on Broadway,
and with Marilyn Monroe in bed.
Now that's talent!
__________________________________________________

LILI ST. CYR - January 29

That Rocky Horror movie said it all:
"God bless Lili St. Cyr."
__________________________________________________

HUNTZ HALL - January 30

The Dead End Kids (aka The Bowery Boys)
were the real original Brat Pack.
Accept no substitutes!
__________________________________________________

JOHN ERLICHMAN - February 14

This Watergate plumber finally got
his plumbing permanently clogged.
Now maybe he'll pipe down, already.
__________________________________________________

NOAM PITLIK - February 18

No man was more sit-com slick.
__________________________________________________

GENE SISKEL - February 20

That's one thin thumb down,
and one fat thumb to go.
__________________________________________________

DUSTY SPRINGFIELD - March 2

This admitted bisexual's
huge cocaine habit sure gave
new meaning to the word "dusty."

(But she should have been shot for her consistently
horrible "hairspray football" hairstyles alone.)
__________________________________________________

RICHARD KILEY - March 5

He was in Picket Fences.
Now he's buried next to one.
__________________________________________________

STANLEY KUBRICK - March 7

Eyes Well Shut.
__________________________________________________

PEGGY CASS - March 8

The pregnant dame
from Auntie Mame.
Now miss Cass
is nurturing the grass.
__________________________________________________

JOE DIMAGGIO - March 8

The horse-faced Yankee Clipper
who was better than Musial
is now even stiffer...
than usual.
__________________________________________________

WILLIAM WRIGLEY JR. - March 8

His daddy sold soap,
but Junior couldn't sell none.
Then his sales were dope
when he started offering gum.

(So he founded Wrigley's Gum,
made Wrigley Field,
and bought Catalina Island.
But let's see you wriggle out
of this, Gum Boy.)
__________________________________________________

YEHUDI MENUHIN - March 12

That old fiddler Yehudi
is no longer on the menu, duddie.
__________________________________________________

GARSON KANIN - March 13

(With wife Ruth Gordon.)
Not only wasn't he Born Yesterday,
but he also wrote it.
__________________________________________________

DAVID STRICKLAND - March 22

Suddenly Stranglin'.

And obviously landed up being
way too strick with himself.
(COD: Suicide by hanging.)
__________________________________________________

GARY MORTON - March 30

Morton with Lucy at the 1989 Oscars,
which was her last public appearance.
(Photo by Alan Light)
__________________________________________________

EARLY WYNN - April 4

Winning pitcher Wynn luckily got
pulled late from the game of life.
__________________________________________________

JEAN VANDER PYL - April 10

The voice of Wilma Flintstone,
who was the Audrey Meadows of cartoon characters.
__________________________________________________

LECIL "BOXCAR WILLIE" MARTIN - April 12

This crooning hobo's hide
now has a pine boxcar to ride.

(Musta been heck to keep being confused
for Foster Brooks all those years.)
__________________________________________________

ELLEN CORBY - April 14

G'night, grandma Walton.
__________________________________________________

ANTHONY NEWLEY - April 14

Massive ego,
miniscule talent, though
And his attitude was reportedly bad
Mr. Newley,
we hardly knew ye
And of that we're very glad
__________________________________________________

CHARLES "BUDDY" ROGERS - April 21

Dated super-hottie Clara Bow when they did "Wings" in 1927 -
over 70 years later he still had a satisfied smile on his face.
__________________________________________________

AL HIRT - April 27

Another trumpeter trumped
When the Grim Reaper thumped
__________________________________________________

RORY CALHOUN - April 28

Cowboy star of "Hotel Hell"and "Angel" -
so cheesy that Kraft wanted him to
be their permanent spokesman.
__________________________________________________

OLIVER REED - May 2

This sexist drunk thought he was
Cary Grant, but looked more like
Ulysses Grant.
__________________________________________________

DIRK BOGARDE - May 8

Don't Bogarde that dirt nap, Dirk.
Or should that be Dirk nap?
__________________________________________________

DANA PLATO - May 8

This camp video star robbed a
video store and later died in a camper.
Ah, the circle of life!
(Same day as Bogarde.)
__________________________________________________

SHEL SILVERSTEIN - May 10

Now he's just a Shel of his former self.
__________________________________________________

MEL TORME - June 5

Skoobalee-boobalee-woobaleee-dead.
Take that, Judge Harry Stone!
__________________________________________________

DEFOREST KELLEY - June 11

Grimmy's version of deforestation.
(Bones is dead, Jim!)
__________________________________________________

ALLAN CARR - June 29

You can't stop the music,
especially when it's disco drek,
but Grimmy at least stopped Allan.
__________________________________________________

EDWARD DMYTRYK - July 1

Death was a neat trick.

(Excellent director who was also a real magician.)
__________________________________________________

SYLVIA SIDNEY - July 1

Now working at the desk of the
Beetlejuice waiting room for real.
__________________________________________________

MARIO PUZO - July 2

He wrote The Godfather.
Now he's grave fodder.
__________________________________________________

PETE CONRAD - July 8

Another astronaut brought down to earth.
Cover up UFOs much?
__________________________________________________

JOHN F. KENNEDY JR. - July 16

(Little John with his flying victim Mrs. Liitle John.)
Gotta laugh at those celebrities who always
think they can fly their own airplanes.
Not for long they can't.
__________________________________________________

VICTOR MATURE - August 4

Victim Manure.
(Sure, you thought that for a change we
were going to be mature about this one.)
__________________________________________________

PEE-WEE REESE - August 14

Reese is in pieces.
__________________________________________________

ALLEN FUNT - September 5

Smile - you're on Coffin Camera.
__________________________________________________

RUTH ROMAN - September 9

This hottie ain't roamin' anymore.
(Photo: Ruthie at some dull Hollywood
industry event with some shnoob, as
she merrily puffs away on a cancer stick.)
__________________________________________________

GEORGE C. SCOTT - September 22

George, see plot.
__________________________________________________

JUDITH CAMPBELL EXNER - September 25

Soupy Campbells Hooker.
(X-rated Exner, yet another JFK ho, hits the hardtack.)
__________________________________________________

WILT CHAMBERLAIN - October 12

Looks like the Stilt has been stilled.
(But only after much muff was drilled.)
__________________________________________________

JEAN SHEPHERD - October 16

Wrote The Christmas Story.
Now he's his-tory.
__________________________________________________

HOYT AXTON - October 25

Get yourself a cowboy hat, a guitar
and a really bad album cover designer,
and you too can bore people out of their minds.

(But at least his mama wrote Heartbreak Hotel.)
__________________________________________________

PAYNE STEWART - October 25

Golfer wearing nickers who is big neck pain
soon have crash in crappy airplane.

Lawd, we're so glad you done punishined
him fer wearin' them pathetic prissy pants!
__________________________________________________

FRANK DEVOL - October 27

Frankly Devolving.
(Or Happy Kyne ran out of time.)
__________________________________________________

GENE RAYBURN - November 29

Just Rugburn.
__________________________________________________

JOEY ADAMS - December 2

Annoying semi-comic husband of even
more annoying columnist Cindy Adams.
__________________________________________________

MADELINE KAHN - December 3

Well, she kahn't anymore.
Oh, sweet mystery of death!

(COD: Ovarian cancer. Age 57.)
__________________________________________________

SHIRLEY HEMPHILL - December 8

Surely Boothill.
And that's what's happening.

(COD: Kidney failure. Age 52.)
__________________________________________________

RICK DANKO - December 10

Another member of The Band goes down the tanko.
__________________________________________________

JOSEPH HELLER - December 12

From Catch-22 to catching a nap forever.
(Heller in Tight Pink Silk Coffin.)
__________________________________________________

HANK SNOW - December 20

Frozen country legend
gone North permanently.
__________________________________________________

CURTIS MAYFIELD - December 26

From Superfly
to getting eaten by flies.
__________________________________________________

CLAYTON MOORE - December 28

So that was the Lone Ranger!
I wanted to thank him.
__________________________________________________

= WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS YEAR, FOLKS! BUT STAY TUNED - YOU KNOW THE GRIM REAPER AIN'T DONE WITH THOSE CELEBS YET! MEANWHILE, ON THE UPPER RIGHT YOU CAN ALWAYS CHECK OUT THE
LIST OF LATE LAMENTED LAYABOUTS FROM OTHER YEARS! ENJOY! =