JERRY QUARRY - January 3
People whose jaws are
from glass quarrys
shouldn't be boxers.
__________________________________________________
IRON EYES CODY - January 4
Turned out this tearful
"injun" was really Italian.
So don't pollute - capice?
__________________________________________________
SUSAN STRASBERG - January 20
Played Anne Frank on Broadway,
and with Marilyn Monroe in bed.
Now that's talent!
__________________________________________________
LILI ST. CYR - January 29
That Rocky Horror movie said it all:
"God bless Lili St. Cyr."
__________________________________________________
HUNTZ HALL - January 30
The Dead End Kids (aka The Bowery Boys)
were the real original Brat Pack.
Accept no substitutes!
__________________________________________________
JOHN ERLICHMAN - February 14
This Watergate plumber finally got
his plumbing permanently clogged.
Now maybe he'll pipe down, already.
__________________________________________________
NOAM PITLIK - February 18
No man was more sit-com slick.
__________________________________________________
GENE SISKEL - February 20
That's one thin thumb down,
and one fat thumb to go.
__________________________________________________
DUSTY SPRINGFIELD - March 2
This admitted bisexual's
huge cocaine habit sure gave
new meaning to the word "dusty."
(But she should have been shot for her consistently
horrible "hairspray football" hairstyles alone.)
__________________________________________________
RICHARD KILEY - March 5
He was in Picket Fences.
Now he's buried next to one.
__________________________________________________
STANLEY KUBRICK - March 7
Eyes Well Shut.
__________________________________________________
PEGGY CASS - March 8
The pregnant dame
from Auntie Mame.
Now miss Cass
is nurturing the grass.
__________________________________________________
JOE DIMAGGIO - March 8
The horse-faced Yankee Clipper
who was better than Musial
is now even stiffer...
than usual.
__________________________________________________
WILLIAM WRIGLEY JR. - March 8
His daddy sold soap,
but Junior couldn't sell none.
Then his sales were dope
when he started offering gum.
(So he founded Wrigley's Gum,
made Wrigley Field,
and bought Catalina Island.
But let's see you wriggle out
of this, Gum Boy.)
__________________________________________________
YEHUDI MENUHIN - March 12
That old fiddler Yehudi
is no longer on the menu, duddie.
__________________________________________________
GARSON KANIN - March 13
(With wife Ruth Gordon.)
Not only wasn't he Born Yesterday,
but he also wrote it.
__________________________________________________
DAVID STRICKLAND - March 22
Suddenly Stranglin'.
And obviously landed up being
way too strick with himself.
(COD: Suicide by hanging.)
__________________________________________________
GARY MORTON - March 30
Morton with Lucy at the 1989 Oscars,
which was her last public appearance.
(Photo by Alan Light)
__________________________________________________
EARLY WYNN - April 4
Winning pitcher Wynn luckily got
pulled late from the game of life.
__________________________________________________
JEAN VANDER PYL - April 10
The voice of Wilma Flintstone,
who was the Audrey Meadows of cartoon characters.
__________________________________________________
LECIL "BOXCAR WILLIE" MARTIN - April 12
This crooning hobo's hide
now has a pine boxcar to ride.
(Musta been heck to keep being confused
for Foster Brooks all those years.)
__________________________________________________
ELLEN CORBY - April 14
G'night, grandma Walton.
__________________________________________________
ANTHONY NEWLEY - April 14
Massive ego,
miniscule talent, though
And his attitude was reportedly bad
Mr. Newley,
we hardly knew ye
And of that we're very glad
__________________________________________________
CHARLES "BUDDY" ROGERS - April 21
Dated super-hottie Clara Bow when they did "Wings" in 1927 -
over 70 years later he still had a satisfied smile on his face.
__________________________________________________
AL HIRT - April 27
Another trumpeter trumped
When the Grim Reaper thumped
__________________________________________________
RORY CALHOUN - April 28
Cowboy star of "Hotel Hell"and "Angel" -
so cheesy that Kraft wanted him to
be their permanent spokesman.
__________________________________________________
OLIVER REED - May 2
This sexist drunk thought he was
Cary Grant, but looked more like
Ulysses Grant.
__________________________________________________
DIRK BOGARDE - May 8
Don't Bogarde that dirt nap, Dirk.
Or should that be Dirk nap?
__________________________________________________
DANA PLATO - May 8
This camp video star robbed a
video store and later died in a camper.
Ah, the circle of life!
(Same day as Bogarde.)
__________________________________________________
SHEL SILVERSTEIN - May 10
Now he's just a Shel of his former self.
__________________________________________________
MEL TORME - June 5
Skoobalee-boobalee-woobaleee-dead.
Take that, Judge Harry Stone!
__________________________________________________
DEFOREST KELLEY - June 11
Grimmy's version of deforestation.
(Bones is dead, Jim!)
__________________________________________________
ALLAN CARR - June 29
You can't stop the music,
especially when it's disco drek,
but Grimmy at least stopped Allan.
__________________________________________________
EDWARD DMYTRYK - July 1
Death was a neat trick.
(Excellent director who was also a real magician.)
__________________________________________________
SYLVIA SIDNEY - July 1
Now working at the desk of the
Beetlejuice waiting room for real.
__________________________________________________
MARIO PUZO - July 2
He wrote The Godfather.
Now he's grave fodder.
__________________________________________________
PETE CONRAD - July 8
Another astronaut brought down to earth.
Cover up UFOs much?
__________________________________________________
JOHN F. KENNEDY JR. - July 16
(Little John with his flying victim Mrs. Liitle John.)
Gotta laugh at those celebrities who always
think they can fly their own airplanes.
Not for long they can't.
__________________________________________________
VICTOR MATURE - August 4
Victim Manure.
(Sure, you thought that for a change we
were going to be mature about this one.)
__________________________________________________
PEE-WEE REESE - August 14
Reese is in pieces.
__________________________________________________
ALLEN FUNT - September 5
Smile - you're on Coffin Camera.
__________________________________________________
RUTH ROMAN - September 9
This hottie ain't roamin' anymore.
(Photo: Ruthie at some dull Hollywood
industry event with some shnoob, as
she merrily puffs away on a cancer stick.)
__________________________________________________
GEORGE C. SCOTT - September 22
George, see plot.
__________________________________________________
JUDITH CAMPBELL EXNER - September 25
Soupy Campbells Hooker.
(X-rated Exner, yet another JFK ho, hits the hardtack.)
__________________________________________________
WILT CHAMBERLAIN - October 12
Looks like the Stilt has been stilled.
(But only after much muff was drilled.)
__________________________________________________
JEAN SHEPHERD - October 16
Wrote The Christmas Story.
Now he's his-tory.
__________________________________________________
HOYT AXTON - October 25
Get yourself a cowboy hat, a guitar
and a really bad album cover designer,
and you too can bore people out of their minds.
(But at least his mama wrote Heartbreak Hotel.)
__________________________________________________
PAYNE STEWART - October 25
Golfer wearing nickers who is big neck pain
soon have crash in crappy airplane.
Lawd, we're so glad you done punishined
him fer wearin' them pathetic prissy pants!
__________________________________________________
FRANK DEVOL - October 27
Frankly Devolving.
(Or Happy Kyne ran out of time.)
__________________________________________________
GENE RAYBURN - November 29
Just Rugburn.
__________________________________________________
JOEY ADAMS - December 2
Annoying semi-comic husband of even
more annoying columnist Cindy Adams.
__________________________________________________
MADELINE KAHN - December 3
Well, she kahn't anymore.
Oh, sweet mystery of death!
(COD: Ovarian cancer. Age 57.)
__________________________________________________
SHIRLEY HEMPHILL - December 8
Surely Boothill.
And that's what's happening.
(COD: Kidney failure. Age 52.)
__________________________________________________
RICK DANKO - December 10
Another member of The Band goes down the tanko.
__________________________________________________
JOSEPH HELLER - December 12
From Catch-22 to catching a nap forever.
(Heller in Tight Pink Silk Coffin.)
__________________________________________________
HANK SNOW - December 20
Frozen country legend
gone North permanently.
__________________________________________________
CURTIS MAYFIELD - December 26
From Superfly
to getting eaten by flies.
__________________________________________________
CLAYTON MOORE - December 28
So that was the Lone Ranger!
I wanted to thank him.
__________________________________________________
= WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS YEAR, FOLKS! BUT STAY TUNED - YOU KNOW THE GRIM REAPER AIN'T DONE WITH THOSE CELEBS YET! MEANWHILE, ON THE UPPER RIGHT YOU CAN ALWAYS CHECK OUT THE
LIST OF LATE LAMENTED LAYABOUTS FROM OTHER YEARS! ENJOY! =