JESSE WHITE - January 8
Played Oscar Putney on The Ann Sothern Show,
and was the first Maytag repairman - both lucky gigs.
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SHELDON LEONARD - January 10
Played gangsters before he was a TV producer -
so no real career change there.
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COL. TOM PARKER - January 21
Happily ripping off rockers in hell.
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JEANNE DIXON - January 25
This babe was a Jack Ruby party girl when
she "predicted" the JFK hit. Some "psychic!"
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HERB CAEN - February 1
Are you going to San Francisco?
Herb's cool columns made it glow.
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MARJORIE REYNOLDS February 1
Played the wife in The Life Of Riley -
now appearing in the death of Reynolds.
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DON PORTER - February 11
Worked with both Ann Southern and Sally Field,
so he really died and went to heaven years ago.
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DAVID DOYLE - February 26
Angels, here's Charlie's latest request:
Tinkle on my grave.
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FRED ZINNEMANN - March 14
Master director of black and white movies,
currently working on a totally black one.
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TONY ZALE - March 20
Great little boxer, now sparring
in a great little box.
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HARRY BLACKSTONE JR. - April 14
Abrakadabra - now he's Harry Gravestone.
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ALLEN GINSBERG - April 5
Howl he write his way out of this?
__________________________________________________
JACK KENT COOKE - April 6
Now he's finally cooked.
__________________________________________________
LAURA NYRO - April 8
Well, where's that damn miracle, chick?
(COD: Ovarian cancer. Age 49.)
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PAT PAULSEN - April 24
Now he's as stiff as fellow
political funnyman Al Gore.
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MIKE ROYKO - April 29
Any place is better than writing in Chicago, Mikester.
__________________________________________________
ALVY MOORE - May 4
One of the great comics of TV.
Well, not great, really, but a good comic.
Well, not exactly a comic, either, but...
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EDWARD MULHARE - May 24
Now Mrs. Muir's TV ghost is a real one.
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GEORGE FENNEMAN - May 29
Announcer: Groucho, today's secret word is "coffin."
__________________________________________________
RONNIE LANE - June 4
The face of rock 'n' roll just got much smaller.
__________________________________________________
MAGDA GABOR - June 6
Guess "Zsa Zsa" is too tough for the Grim Reaper to spell.
__________________________________________________
BRIAN KEITH - June 24
Funeral Affair
...or...
With Six Feet Under You Get Coffin.
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JACQUES COUSTEAU - June 25
Our old friend is asleep in the deep
with that red cap made from sheep.
__________________________________________________
ROBERT MITCHUM - July 1
Attention all worms: Bob - he's what's for dinner.
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JIMMY STEWART - July 2
It's A Wonderful Liedown.
(Or: The Filla Ditch For Me Story.)
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CHARLES KURALT - July 4
This wide load adulterer is finally off the road.
Happy 4th of July, you old firecracker fart.
(COD: Lupus. Age 62.)
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BEN HOGAN - July 25
He finally golfed into a sandtrap he couldn't get out of.
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WILLIAM BURROUGHS - August 2
No longer living on Burroughed time.
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JEANNE CALMENT - August 4
(Calment at age 20.)
Had the ear of Vincent Van Gogh -
figuratively speaking, of course.
Lived to 120.
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"THE REAL" DON STEELE - August 5
This dippy DJ is now the Real Dead Deal.
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BRANDON TARTIKOFF - August 27
Now he's knocked it off.
(Creating bad TV, that is.)
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PRINCESS DIANA - August 31
She did it in the stable
Whenever she was able
Then this gold-digging bitch
Wound up in a Paris ditch.
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MOTHER TERESA - September 5
Selfless saint who got pushed to
the back pages by that stable slut Diana.
__________________________________________________
DEREK TAYLOR - September 7
The Beatles always said he was a good Apple.
__________________________________________________
BURGESS MEREDITH - September 9
Time enough at last, Mr. Bemis.
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RED SKELTON - September 17
Good night, Freddy, and may God bless.
__________________________________________________
JIMMY WITHERSPOON - September 18
And the blues ran away with the Spoon.
Ain't no sunshine when he's a goner.
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ROY LICHTENSTEIN - September 29
Copied comic books for profit -
now he's gone off it.
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AL "JAZZBO" COLLINS - September 30
This is Al "Jazzbeaux" Collins,
and I used to be alive. Remember when?
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JOHN DENVER - October 12
Rocky Mountain Hit.
Denver from a talk show: "Well, I've been foolin' em so far."
Me from this blog: "Not anymore you ain't, hick boy!"
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HAROLD ROBBINS - October 14
A Gravestone For Harry Robbins.
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AUDRA LINDLEY - October 16
Henceforth Mrs. Roper will be getting
the same amount of sex she always got.
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JAMES MICHENER - October 16
South Specific.
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PAUL JARRICO - October 28
Another blacklisted writer comes tumbling down.
__________________________________________________
ANTON LAVEY - October 29
Satan's emissary here on Earth,
before Pat Robertson took over.
(And just two days before Halloween.)
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EDDIE ARCARO - November 14
This rider was really a sport -
buried in just his jockey shorts.
__________________________________________________
STUBBY KAYE - December 14
Sit down - you're rockin' your box, fatso.
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NICOLETTE LARSON - December 16
It's gonna take a lotta...lettuce
to pay for her fancy funeral.
(COD: Liver failure. Age 45.)
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CHRIS FARLEY - December 18
Now he's stayin' in a grave... down by the river!
(COD: Drug overdose. Age 33.)
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TOSHIRO MIFUNE - December 20
The Six Foot Under Samauri.
__________________________________________________
DAWN STEEL - December 20
Night Return.
First female movie mogul.
And probably also the last.
(COD: Brain tumor. Age 51.)
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DENVER PYLE - December 25
Under a darling pile of dirt, that is.
(But he was no relation to Gomer.)
Merry Christmas - y'all be dead!
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MICHEAL KENNEDY - December 31
Another year, another dead Kennedy -
place your bets on the next one, folks.
This loser was an alcoholic rapist
of an underage babysitter.
He also thought it would be a great idea
to play football while on skis and
without wearing a helmet. It wasn't.
(Happy New Year, Boston boy -
pawk yaw caw in hell's yawd!)
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= WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS YEAR, FOLKS! BUT STAY TUNED - YOU KNOW THE GRIM REAPER AIN'T DONE WITH THOSE CELEBS YET! MEANWHILE, ON THE UPPER RIGHT YOU CAN ALWAYS CHECK OUT THE
LIST OF LATE LAMENTED LAYABOUTS FROM OTHER YEARS! ENJOY! =