2000

ELMO ZUMWALDT - January 2

Ten hut! This Admiral's one dead butt.
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NAT "CANNONBALL" ADDERLEY - January 2

Nat does a cannonball into the river of hell.
(Which really Stix up the place.)
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DON MARTIN - January 7

Mad's Maddest Artist... kicks off.
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BOB LEMON - January 11

When Satan gets a Lemon,
he makes lemonade in Hell.
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HEDY LAMARR - January 19

Just a nice Jewish girl whose real name was Hedy Kiesler.
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CRAIG CLAIRBORNE - January 22

This famous cooking show molestor
is now the Devil's head food tester.
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DON BUDGE - January 26

His tennis shots always scaled the trees,
but his car just wouldn't budge, you see.
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DOUG HENNING - February 7

That buck-toothed, bush-lipped clown
finally got that vanishing trick down.
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JIM VARNEY - February 10

Hey, way too many smokes I burned -
know whutta mean, Vern?
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ROGER VADIM - February 11

He filmed Bardot, Fonda and Denuve naked.
When it came to '60s hotties, Vadim had 'em!
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"SCREAMIN'" JAY HAWKINS - February 12

Instead of screamin', now he's just dreamin'.
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CHARLES SCHULZ - February 12

A 50-year-long comic strip with virtually
no non-white characters. Nuts to you, Chuckie.
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TOM LANDRY - February 12

Everyone thinks heÕs looked dead since 1980.
And was that dumb hat Krazy-Glued on, or what?
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CHARLES GRAY - March 7

Let's do the Time Croak again.
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DURWOOD KIRBY - March 15

Garry Moore's sidekick finally kicks off.
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ALEX COMFORT - March 26

Not so sexy and comfortable now, huh, Alex?
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EDWARD GOREY - April 15

No mystery - the reaper did it.
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CLAIRE TREVOR - April 8

A rare sweetheart forever.
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LARRY LINVILLE - April 10

Frank Burns? Ah, now he does.
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DAVID MERRICK - April 25

Now working on the off-off-Broadway
Hellfire Club production of Devil's Holiday.
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STEVE REEVES - May 1

Try lifting this gravestone, muscle boy.
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DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS JR. - May 7

Like daddy, his career is all up washed -
the very last buckle has been swashed.
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CRAIG STEVENS - May 10

Peter Gunn solved cases one after the other
What a cool detective he was... 'night, Mother.
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PAUL BARTEL - May 17

Eating Raoul? Not anymore -
now the maggots are eating Paulo.
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BARBARA CARTLAND - May 21

This cow always got a big advance
Milking the market of romance
High on the list her books would rank
But they still always stank
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SIR JOHN GIELGUD - May 21

Make that Sir John Notfeelgood.
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MAURICE "THE ROCKET" RICHARD - May 27

The rocket's stick last glared red
when he scored on the graveyard net.
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TEX BENEKE - May 30

His horn blew out at midnight.
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TITO PUENTE - June 1

Finito is the end, okay?
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NANCY MARCHAND
NANCY MARCHAND - June 18

From Lou Grant to the Sopranos,
she was always a crabby old crow.
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VITTORIO GASSMAN - June 29

To the Vittorio goes the spoiled stiff.
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WALTER MATTHAU - July 1

Just like tea, Walt was best with Lemmon added.
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MEREDITH MACRAE - July 14

Great body, but a face like a
can of (body-eating) worms.
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ALEC GUINESS - August 5

Star Wars star forced out by the force.
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LORETTA YOUNG - August 12

The mother of Clark Gable's daughter,
she always lied about how she got her.
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JACK NITZSCHE - August 25

Is sleeping with the fish-kees.
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RICHARD MULLIGAN - September 26

Geraldo Rivera and Ada Maris
ask Mulligan what it's like going
from Full House to Full Coffin.
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PIERRE TRUDEAU - September 28

Qui, qui - you are a former canuck PM who's dead, dead.
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RICHARD FARNSWORTH - October 6

Crazy old cowboy + cancer + shotgun = never a smart combination.
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GUS HALL - October 13

This guy ran for President as the Communist party pick -
throughout all the blacklist years - go figure McCarthy, that prick.
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RICK JASON - October 17

Another of Vic's downed soldiers from Combat.
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JULIE LONDON - October 19

American singer, often confused
with London's own Julie Andews.
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GWEN VERDON - October 19

Whatever Lola wants? She must
have wanted to dance with Mr. D.
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STEVE ALLEN - October 30

'Bye-o, Steverino!
Done in by an SUV?
The day before Halloween?
Now that's comedy!
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RING LARDNER JR. - October 31

Too many rings of lard in the family diet.
Happy Halloween - you're dead!
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GAIL FISHER - December 2

Peggy, the nervous secretary on Mannix.
Nowadays never panics
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WERNER KLEMPERER - December 6

Klink to za coola! (Or maybe just
make that Klink to the klink.)
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GEORGE MONTGOMERY - December 12

Today, actor/carpenter George shows
how to make an extra-long pine box.
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JOHN LINDSAY - December 19

One cool NY mayor, now even cooler.
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POPS STAPLE - December 19

"Pop" goes the staple!
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BILLY BARTY - December 23

The Barty's over.
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VICTOR BORGE - December 23

Victor boarded up.
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JASON ROBARDS JR. - December 26

Long day's journey into nothing.
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JOSE GRECO - December 31

Also dancing with Mr. D. Ho-lay!
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ALAN CRANSTON - December 31

Cranston left the US Senate in disgrace
after being linked to the Lincoln Savings
and Loan scandal, in which he received
millions of dollars from S&L magnate
Charles Keating to insure special
treatment in Senate investigations.
(Getting rid of this old political hack
is a perfect way to end the year!)
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= WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS YEAR, FOLKS! BUT STAY TUNED - YOU KNOW THE GRIM REAPER AIN'T DONE WITH THOSE CELEBS YET! MEANWHILE, ON THE UPPER RIGHT YOU CAN ALWAYS CHECK OUT THE
LIST OF LATE LAMENTED LAYABOUTS FROM OTHER YEARS! ENJOY! =