CASEY JOHNSON - January 4
Band-Aid Bimbo Bites It
What to do when you're the young heiress
to the ginormous Johnson & Johnson fortune?
Gobble tons of "prescription" dope pills for years,
and when you croak soon after, count on the fact
that they'll probably just rule it as yet another
"accidental bad back/flu/diabetes/insomnia/overdose."
(Age: 30. COD: Drug overdose. Duh!)
ART CLOKEY - January 8
Is Feelin' Kinda Croaky.
Now roll that Gumby theme song:
"He was once a little green slab of clay. Gumby!
You should see what Gumby can do today. Gumby!
He can walk into any book, with his pony pal Pokey, too.
If you've got a heart then Gumby's a part of you!"
JULIET "AUNT PEG" ANDERSON - January 11
Pioneering "MILF" adult film actress and director,
who first discovered Nina "The Heinie" Hartley.
When she passed, Anderson was 71, but looked to be still in her 40s.
Tons of sex instead of drugs must keep people young.
Take note, American Medical Journal!
(COD: Complications from Crohn's disease.)
ERIC ROHMER - January 11
Will No Longer Roam.
French film director of My Night At Maud's, Claire's Knee,
Chloe In The Afternoon, and Pauline At The Beach.
Which tells us that he seemed to be,
how you say, un grand horndog!
(Same day as Aunt Peg, which is certainly appropriate.)
TEDDY PENDERGRASS - January 13
Make That Deady In-de-ass.
Geez, we thought the guy died shortly
after that car crash around 1982!
(COD: Caboose Cancer.)
ERICH SEGAL - January 17
Death Means Never Having To Say You're A Stiffy.
(And not in a good way.)
ROBERT B. PARKER - January 18
Finally Parked It.
Prolific mystery writer, noted for creating detective
characters including Spenser and Stone. He was 77.
(COD: Heart attack.)
JEAN SIMMONS - January 22
Jean was keen.
This sampling shows why:
The Big Country
Divorce American Style
Guys And Dolls
PERNELL ROBERTS - January 24
Back To The Bonanza Boneyard.
Did a M*A*S*H* spinoff called Trapper John MD,
but he'll always be best known for playing the
level-headed son Adam on the hit western Bonanza,
opposite the likewise deceased Dan Blocker,
Michael Landon and Lorne Greene.
J.D. SALINGER - January 27
CASKET IN THE RYE.
You wrote one book and a few bits and pieces,
but after 1965 basically quit writing.
So when you kicked off 45 years later at 91,
folks thought you were some big mystic recluse.
Pretty decent scam you pulled off there, Holden.
DOUG FIEGER - February 14
"Oom-Pah-Pah-Oom-Pah, My Shovel On Ya"!
Yes, once again the grave-digger's shovel goes to work.
This time on a guy (the leering loon second from left)
whose group The Knack was called a "one hit wonder" by
Paul McCartney... on the same month they had their hit!
Paulie was right - that's as far as they got.
Well, if anyone ever got the Knack, now they're rid of it.
So Dougie, Happy Valentine's Day - you're dead!
AMDREW KOENIG - February 14
Son Of "Check-Off"
Bumps Himself Off!
So Andy, Happy Valentine's Day - you're dead!
(Guess he couldn't handle it
when he found out that Fieger died.)
KATHRYN GRAYSON - February 17
It (the opera) ain't over until the fat lady sings (at the end).
Well, she was an opera singer, but luckily for us Katey wasn't fat.
JAMIE GILLIS - February 19
Whatchoo Talkin' 'bout, Gillis?
Pioneering On The Prowl porn star no longer on the...
well, we guess you know the rest.
Not a good year to be a classic pornstar.
ALEXANDER HAIG - February 20
Had To Be Pulling Our Leg.
NOW who's in control, smart guy?
(Guess he couldn't handle it when he
found out about Gillis dying the day before.)
COREY HAIM - March 10
Is Much More Than Lame.
That's one Cocaine Cory from the '80s down, and one to go.
MERLIN OLSEN - March 11
He was that "slow" guy on Little House On The Prairie.
And oh, ya - before that he apparently also played a little pro football.
(Guess he couldn't handle it when he
found out about Haim dying the day before.)
PETER GRAVES - March 14
"Good morning, Mr. Phelps.
Your Mission, Should You Decide To Accept It,
Is To Drop Dead Three Days Before
St. Patricks Day In The Year 2010."
Graves is finally living up to his last name.
Okay, "dying up" would be more accurate.
FESS PARKER - March 18
Call Him Daniel Or Davy -
Either Way He's Still Grave-y.
Happy (day after) Saint Patrick's Day - you're dead!
(Not a good year to be named Parker.)
ROBERT CULP - March 24
From I Spy to I Die.
Gotta admit the man had range - yes, indeed, sir.
(COD: He faw down an' hurted his widdle haid.)
JUNE HAVOC - March 28
Make That Have-Not-Voc.
JOHN FORSYTHE - April 1
Bentley Gregg Gets Bent.
He played the father on Bachelor Father.
In all the years it was on, we never saw
him score with even one chick. Hmmm...
Happy April Fool's Day - you're dead!
(COD: Pneumonia at age 92.)
DIXIE CARTER - April 10
She played the boss chick on Designing Women.
In all the years it was on, we never saw
any of 'em make even one design. Hmmm...
Happy (5 days before) Income Tax Day - you're dead!
LYNN REDGRAVE - May 3
'BYE THERE, CORPSY GIRL.
She's gone to her red grave vexed
And her sister Vanessa is next!
ROBIN ROBERTS - May 6
Old Number 36 Goes 3 Feet Wide And 6 Feet Under.
The original Rockin' Robin, this pitcher had a 19 year career,
(mainly with the Philadelphia Phillies) winning 286 games,
including 2,357 strikeouts and 45 shutouts.
LENA HORNE - May 9
Don't Know Why
Beds Ain't Fallin' From The Sky -
RONNIE JAMES DIO - May 16
Ronnie Just Deado.
This could signal the end of bald top
fuzzy mullet hair rock as we know it.
(Glad he always threw that "James" in there, to distinguish him
from the dozens of other Ronnie Dios in the music world!)
ART LINKLETTER - May 26
Right wing wacko talk show host who kept secret the news
that his suicidal daughter jumped out a window only AFTER
being drug-free for over a year.
So we guess certain people don't say the darndest things!
(COD: The old bastard didn't croak until age 97.
Now that's greed.)
GARY COLEMAN - May 28
"Whatchoo Talkin' 'bout, Grimmy?"
In which the Grim Reaper gives a star of
Different Strokes... a different stroke.
(Co-stars Plato and Coleman are dust -
which means Todd Bridges, come on down!)
DENNIS HOPPER - May 29
The REAL Dennis The Menace.
May you have a cool motorcycle trip
to heaven, my easy riding brother.
(Guess he couldn't handle it when he found out
about Gary Coleman dying the day before.)
RUE MCCLANAHAN - June 3
There's one girl who certainly rued this golden day!
Grim Reaper now paging Betty White!
JIMMY DEAN - June 13
Now there's a little bit of Jimmy's dean in every sausage.
MANUTE BOL - June 19
Basketball's Big Bird buried in an extra long pigeon hole.
YVETTE VICKERS - July 4
Just like her classic B-movie Attack Of The Giant Leeches,
by the time they found her formerly hot body,
she'd been dead for a very long time, so she
was almost totally mummified. Aaaeeehhhh!
HARVEY PEKAR - July 12
From off the streets of Cleveland...
and onto the satin of a coffin!
GEORGE STEINBRENNER - July 13
(Must have heard about Harvey Pekar the day before.)
Yankee owner finally gets yanked out.
MITCH MILLER - July 31
Slab Along With Mitch.
Uh, no thanks.
PATRICIA NEAL - August 8
Pat be laid out flat.
ROBERT SCHIMMEL - September 3
Make that Slobert Shi*mill.
Yet another semi-celebrity who never should've let his
daughter get a dang driver's license in the first place!
(See "Princess" Grace Kelly.)
PAUL CONRAD - September 4
(Must've heard about Robert Schimmel the day before.)
A true ECS = Editorial Cartoonist Supreme.
KEVIN MCCARTHY - September 11
(With Dana Wynter.)
Observing the 9/11 anniversary.
First to warn us about the pod people,
AKA the Repubicans behind the 9/11 oil grab.
HAROLD GOULD - September 11
Another one observing the 9/11 anniversary.
(Same day as Kevin McCarthy.)
Now he's a dead old member of the Ghoul Guild.
EDDIE FISHER - September 22
You were named after fishes,
so enjoy sleeping with them, adulterer.
GEORGE BLANDA - September 27
Bland QB and NFL kicker kicks off for good.
ARTHUR PENN - September 28
Another director no longer penned up.
TONY CURTIS - September 29
(With Sidney Poitier.)
The Deceased One.
(Must've heard about Arthur Penn the day before.)
GREG GIRALDO - September 29
(Same day as Tony Curtis.)
Dope is dope, and you are what you eat.
Don't take drugs, kids, "prescription" or otherwise.
It may be handy, but it SNOT CANDY, so it ain't dandy.
NORMAN WISDOM - October 4
That laughin' little limey isn't so damn wise now.
BARBARA BILLINGSLY - October 16
She made it all the way to 94.
Leave it to Mrs. Cleaver!
TOM BOSLEY - October 19
Happy Days, Father Dowling Mysteries, Murder She Wrote.
That's a decent little trifecta, there, Tommy boy.
BOB GUCCIONE - October 20
(Must've heard about Tom Bosley the day before.)
Dear Penthouse: Your magazine is great because it's
raunchier than Playboy but not as raunchy as Hustler.
So since you're number 2, you try harder, and I do mean harder -
which brings me to my raunchy story: Imagine my surprise
when suddenly one day my nympho next door neighbor...
Penthouse Bob was pushin' 80
Now he's just pushin' up daisies!
JILL CLAYBURGH - November 5
Happy Deathday, Bignose.
In the '70s Jill starred in a weepy pic
Where cancer made her deathly sick
Three decades after that deal
It happened to her for real
DINO DE LAURENTIS - November 11
His King Kong ain't got nothin' on the original!
Dino always had much more money than taste
Backing way too many losers - what a waste!
LESLIE NIELSEN - November 28
The late Lt. Frank Dead'un.
From Tammy And The Bachelor to Forbidden Planet
to Airplane to Police Squad, Ol' White Hair
mastered all the genres, including adventure,
drama, romance, satire and slapstick.
Not bad for a man using a girl's first name.
Speaking of names, it's not a good year to have the
sound "kneel" in your last name. (See Patricia Neal.)
(COD: Complications of pneumonia,
and being almost 85 freakin' years old!)
DON MEREDITH - December 5
"Come September, you know what's on my mind - football."
But Don, come this December, you know what it was - funerals.
BOB FELLER - December 15
Hopefully this all star pitcher
now throws for the Heaveners.
BLAKE EDWARDS - December 16
(Must've heard about Bob Feller the day before.)
(Shown with wife Julie Andrews [Mary Poppins], his favorite nanny.)
Directed tons of TV and films that we could rant on
But most remember his Pink Panther pantheon
CAPTAIN BEEFHEART - December 17
(Must've heard about Blake Edwards the day before.)
C.B. pushing 70 - that's tough to get into one's head
Next thing we'll hear is that Frank Zappa's dead!
TEENA MARIE - December 26
And she's even teenier now.
(COD: Epileptic seizure.)
Happy day after Christmas - you're dead!
= WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS YEAR, FOLKS!
BUT STAY TUNED - YOU KNOW THE GRIM REAPER
AIN'T DONE WITH THOSE CELEBS YET!
MEANWHILE, ON THE UPPER RIGHT YOU CAN ALWAYS CHECK OUT THE
LIST OF LATE LAMENTED LAYABOUTS FROM OTHER YEARS! ENJOY! =