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Friday, December 31, 2010

2010


CASEY JOHNSON - January 4

Band-Aid Bimbo Bites It

What to do when you're the 30-year-old heiress
to the ginormous Johnson & Johnson fortune?
Gobble tons of "prescription" dope pills for years,
and when you croak soonafter, count on the fact
that they'll probably just rule it as yet another
"accidental bad back/diabetes/flu-related overdose."
Fur shur!
(COD: Drug overdose. Duh!)
________________________________________

ART CLOKEY - January 8

Is Feelin' Kinda Croaky.

Now roll that Gumby theme song:

"He was once a little green slab of clay. Gumby!
You should see what Gumby can do today. Gumby!
He can walk into any book, with his pony pal Pokey, too.
If you've got a heart then Gumby's a part of you!"
________________________________________

JULIET "AUNT PEG" ANDERSON - January 11

Pioneering "MILF" adult film actress and director,
who first discovered Nina "The Heinie" Hartley.
When she passed, Anderson was 71, but looked to be still in her 40s.
Tons of sex instead of drugs must keep people young.
Take note, American Medical Journal!
(COD: Complications from Crohn's disease.)
________________________________________

ERIC ROHMER - January 11

Will No Longer Roam.

French film director of My Night At Maud's, Claire's Knee,
Chloe In The Afternoon, and Pauline At The Beach.
Which tells us that he seemed to be,
how you say, un grand horndog!
(Same day as Aunt Peg, which is certainly appropriate.)
________________________________________

TEDDY PENDERGRASS - January 13

Make That Deady In-de-ass.

Geez, we thought the guy died shortly
after that car crash around 1982!
(COD: Caboose Cancer.)
________________________________________

ERICH SEGAL - January 17

Death Means Never Having To Say You're A Stiffy.
(And not in a good way.)
________________________________________

ROBERT B. PARKER - January 18

Finally Parked It.

Prolific mystery writer, noted for creating detective
characters including Spenser and Stone. He was 77.
(COD: Heart attack.)
________________________________________

JEAN SIMMONS - January 22

Jean was keen.

This sampling shows why:

The Big Country
Desirée
Divorce American Style
The Egyptian
Elmer Gantry
Guys And Dolls
The Robe
Spartacus

________________________________________

PERNELL ROBERTS - January 24

Back To The Bonanza Boneyard.

Did a M*A*S*H* spinoff called Trapper John MD,
but he'll always be best known for playing the
level-headed son Adam on the hit western Bonanza,
opposite the likewise deceased Dan Blocker,
Michael Landon and Lorne Greene.
________________________________________

J.D. SALINGER - January 27

CASKET IN THE RYE.

You wrote one book and a few bits and pieces,
but after 1965 basically quit writing.
So when you kicked off 45 years later at 91,
folks thought you were some big mystic recluse.
Pretty decent scam you pulled off there, Holden.
________________________________________

DOUG FIEGER - February 14

"Oom-Pah-Pah-Oom-Pah, My Shovel On Ya"!

Yes, once again the grave-digger's shovel goes to work.
This time on a guy (the leering loon second from left)
whose group The Knack was called a "one hit wonder" by
Paul McCartney... on the same month they had their hit!
Paulie was right - that's as far as they got.
Well, if anyone ever got the Knack, now they're rid of it.
So Dougie, Happy Valentine's Day - you're dead!
(COD: Cancer.)
________________________________________

AMDREW KOENIG - February 14

Son Of "Check-Off"
Bumps Himself Off!


So Andy, Happy Valentine's Day - you're dead!

(Guess he couldn't handle it
when he found out that Fieger died.)
(COD: Hanging.)
________________________________________

KATHRYN GRAYSON - February 17

It (the opera) ain't over until the fat lady sings (at the end).
Well, she was an opera singer, but luckily for us Katey wasn't fat.
________________________________________

JAMIE GILLIS - February 19

Whatchoo Talkin' 'bout, Gillis?

Pioneering On The Prowl porn star no longer on the...
well, we guess you know the rest.
Not a good year to be a classic pornstar.
(COD: Cancer.)
________________________________________

ALEXANDER HAIG - February 20

Had To Be Pulling Our Leg.

NOW who's in control, smart guy?

(Guess he couldn't handle it when he
found out about Gillis dying the day before.)
________________________________________

COREY HAIM - March 10

Is Much More Than Lame.

That's one Cocaine Cory from the '80s down, and one to go.
________________________________________

MERLIN OLSEN - March 11

He was that "slow" guy on Little House On The Prairie.
And oh, ya - before that he apparently also played a little pro football.

(Guess he couldn't handle it when he
found out about Haim dying the day before.)
________________________________________

PETER GRAVES - March 14

"Good morning, Mr. Phelps.
Your Mission, Should You Decide To Accept It,
Is To Drop Dead Three Days Before
St. Patricks Day In The Year 2010."


MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Graves is finally living up to his last name.
Okay, "dying up" would be more accurate.
________________________________________

FESS PARKER - March 18

Call Him Daniel Or Davy -
Either Way He's Still Grave-y.


Happy (day after) Saint Patrick's Day - you're dead!
(Not a good year to be named Parker.)
________________________________________

ROBERT CULP - March 24

Recent Croak.
From I Spy to I Die.


Gotta admit the man had range - yes, indeed, sir.
(COD: He faw down an' hurted his widdle haid.)
________________________________________

JUNE HAVOC - March 28

Make That Have-Not-Voc.
________________________________________

JOHN FORSYTHE - April 1

Bentley Gregg Gets Bent.

He played the father on Bachelor Father.
In all the years it was on, we never saw
him score with even one chick. Hmmm...
Happy April Fool's Day - you're dead!
(COD: Pneumonia at age 92.)
________________________________________

DIXIE CARTER - April 10

Deceased Cadaver.

She played the boss chick on Designing Women.
In all the years it was on, we never saw
any of 'em make even one design. Hmmm...
Happy (5 days before) Income Tax Day - you're dead!
(COD: Cancer.)
________________________________________

LYNN REDGRAVE - May 3

'BYE THERE, CORPSY GIRL.

She's gone to her red grave vexed
And her sister Vanessa is next!
________________________________________

ROBIN ROBERTS - May 6

Old Number 36 Goes 3 Feet Wide And 6 Feet Under.

The original Rockin' Robin, this pitcher had a 19 year career,
(mainly with the Philadelphia Phillies) winning 286 games,
including 2,357 strikeouts and 45 shutouts.
________________________________________

LENA HORNE - May 9

Don't Know Why
Beds Ain't Fallin' From The Sky -
Horne-y Weather...

________________________________________

RONNIE JAMES DIO - May 16

Ronnie Just Deado.

This could signal the end of bald top
fuzzy mullet hair rock as we know it.

(Glad he always threw that "James" in there, to distinguish him
from the dozens of other Ronnie Dios in the music world!)
________________________________________

ART LINKLETTER - May 26

Fart Stink-Letter.

Right wing wacko talk show host who kept secret the news
that his suicidal daughter jumped out a window only AFTER
being drug-free for over a year.
People don't say the darndest things!
(COD: The old bastard didn't croak until age 97.
Now that's greed.)
________________________________________

GARY COLEMAN - May 28

"Whatchoo Talkin' 'bout, Grimmy?"

In which the Grim Reaper gives a star of
Different Strokes... a different stroke.

(Co-stars Plato and Coleman are dust -
which means Todd Bridges, come on down!)
________________________________________

DENNIS HOPPER - May 29

The REAL Dennis The Menace.

May you have a cool motorcycle trip
to heaven, my easy riding brother.

(Guess he couldn't handle it when he
found out about Coleman dying the day before.)
(COD: Cancer.)
________________________________________

RUE MCCLANAHAN - June 3

There's one girl who certainly rued this golden day!

Grim Reaper now paging Betty White!
________________________________________
JIMMY DEAN - June 13

Now there's a little bit of Jimmy's dean in every sausage.
________________________________________

MANUTE BOL - June 19

Basketball's Big Bird buried in an extra long pigeon hole.
________________________________________

YVETTE VICKERS - July 4

Vick's Vapo-Wrap.
Just like her classic B-movie Attack Of The Giant Leeches,
by the time they found her body, she'd been dead for a very
long time, so she was almost totally mummified. Aaaeeehhhh!
[Age: 81.]
________________________________________

HARVEY PEKAR - July 12

From off the streets of Cleveland...
and onto the satin of a coffin!
________________________________________

GEORGE STEINBRENNER - July 13

(Must have heard about Harvey Pekar the day before.)
Yankee owner finally gets yanked out.
________________________________________

MITCH MILLER - July 31

Slab Along With Mitch.
Uh, no thanks.
________________________________________

PATRICIA NEAL - August 8

Forget kneeling...
Pat be laid out flat.
________________________________________

ROBERT SCHIMMEL - September 3

Slobert Shitmill.
Yet another semi-celebrity who never should've let his
daughter get a dang driver's license in the first place!
(See "Princess" Grace Kelly.)
________________________________________

PAUL CONRAD - September 4

(Must've heard about Robert Schimmel the day before.)
A true ECS = Editorial Cartoonist Supreme.
________________________________________

KEVIN MCCARTHY - September 11

(With Dana Wynter.)
Observing the 9/11 anniversary.

First to warn us about the pod people,
AKA the Repubicans behind the 9/11 oil grab.
________________________________________

HAROLD GOULD - September 11

Another one observing the 9/11 anniversary.
(Same day as Kevin McCarthy.)
Now he's a dead old ghoul.
________________________________________

EDDIE FISHER - September 22

Deady Fishbait.
You were named after fishes,
so enjoy sleeping with them, adulterer.
________________________________________

GEORGE BLANDA - September 27

Bland QB and NFL kicker kicks off for good.
________________________________________

ARTHUR PENN - September 28

Another director no longer penned up.
________________________________________

TONY CURTIS - September 29

(With Sidney Poitier.)
The Deceased One.

(Must've heard about Arthur Penn the day before.)
________________________________________

GREG GIRALDO - September 29

(Same day as Tony Curtis.)
Dope is dope, and you are what you eat.
Don't take drugs, kids, "prescription" or otherwise.
It may be handy, but it SNOT CANDY, so it ain't dandy.
________________________________________

NORMAN WISDOM - October 4

That laughin' little limey isn't so damn wise now.
________________________________________

BARBARA BILLINGSLY - October 16

She made it all the way to 94.
Leave it to Mrs. Cleaver!
________________________________________

TOM BOSLEY - October 19

Happy Days, Father Dowling Mysteries, Murder She Wrote.
That's a decent little trifecta, there, Tommy boy.
________________________________________

BOB GUCCIONE - October 20

(Must've heard about Tom Bosley the day before.)
Dear Penthouse: Your magazine is great because it's
raunchier than Playboy but not as raunchy as Hustler.
So since you're number 2, you try harder, and I do mean harder -
which brings me to my raunchy story: Imagine my surprise
when suddenly one day my nympho next door neighbor...


Penthouse Bob was pushin' 80
Now he's just pushin' up daisies!
________________________________________

JILL CLAYBURGH - November 5

Happy Deathday, Bignose.

In the '70s Jill starred in a weepy pic
Where cancer made her deathly sick
Three decades after that deal
It happened to her for real
________________________________________

DINO DE LAURENTIS - November 11

His King Kong ain't got nothin' on the original!

Dino always had much more money than taste
Backing way too many losers - what a waste!
________________________________________

LESLIE NIELSEN - November 28

The late Lt. Frank Dead'un.

From Tammy And The Bachelor to Forbidden Planet
to Airplane to Police Squad, Ol' White Hair
mastered all the genres, including adventure,
drama, romance, satire and slapstick.
Not bad for a man using a girl's first name.

Speaking of names, it's not a good year to have the
sound "kneel" in your last name. (See Patricia Neal.)
(COD: Complications of pneumonia,
and being almost 85 freakin' years old!)
________________________________________

DON MEREDITH - December 5

"Come September, you know what's on my mind - football."
But Don, come this December, you know what it was - funerals.
________________________________________

BOB FELLER - December 15

Hopefully this all star pitcher is a heavener
And not a dark ditcher cellar-dweller heller
________________________________________

BLAKE EDWARDS - December 16

(Must've heard about Bob Feller the day before.)
(Shown with Mary Poppins [wife Julie Andrews], his favorite nanny.)
Directed tons of TV and films that we could rant on
But most remember his Pink Panther pantheon
________________________________________

CAPTAIN BEEFHEART - December 17

(Must've heard about Blake Edwards the day before.)
CP pushing 70 - that's tough to get into one's head
Next thing we'll hear is that Frank Zappa's dead!
________________________________________

TEENA MARIE - December 26

And she's even teenier now.
(COD: Epileptic seizure.)
Happy day after Christmas - you're dead!
________________________________________

= WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS YEAR, FOLKS! BUT STAY TUNED - YOU KNOW THE GRIM REAPER AIN'T DONE WITH THOSE CELEBS YET! MEANWHILE, ON THE UPPER RIGHT YOU CAN ALWAYS CHECK OUT THE LIST OF LATE LAMENTED LAYABOUTS FROM OTHER YEARS! ENJOY! =

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