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FOLLOWING THE FATAL FINAL FACEPLANTS OF THE FAMOUS SINCE 1975!
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Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009


PAT HINGLE - January 3

Patting down the earth over
cranky ol' Hingle's grave, that is.
________________________________________

RAY DENNIS STECKLER - January 7

Steckler finally got stuck.
Now he's become a mixed-up zombie!
________________________________________

DON GALLOWAY - January 8

Don went the way of the gallows, alright.
But he wasn't a burr in the side
of Raymond Burr's Ironside.
In fact, quite the opposite.
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PATRICK MCGOOHAN - January 13

At last - a prisoner no more!
________________________________________

RICARDO MONTALBAN - January 14

(Must've heard about Patrick McGoohan the day before.)
You know that coffin is lined
with rich corinthian leather.
(And welcome to Fatalist Island.)
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JOHN MORTIMER - January 16

Created the excellent Rumpole Of The Bailey.
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ANDREW WYETH - January 16

Whyeth he hungeth around
so long, nobody knoweth.
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JOHN UPDIKE - January 27

Rabbit Done.
(And now you can make that Downdike.)
________________________________________

PHILIP "GRANNY GOOSE" CAREY - February 6

"Are you grown up enough for Granny Goose?
Granny Goose - the adult potato chip!"
Nobody grew up enough to put it in their mouth,
so the puffy-flaked product quickly flew south.
________________________________________

JAMES WHITMORE - February 6

(Same day as Granny Goose.)
The next voice you hear...
sure as hell won't be Whitmore's!
________________________________________

ROBERT QUARRY - February 20

Now he's buried in a quarry.

Yes, we could be a lot
more rude and crude,
but even we're not
gonna mess with that Count Yorga dude!
________________________________________

EDWARD JUDD - February 24

Did the film First Men In The Moon,
but he's not the first man in the morgue.
________________________________________

PHILIP JOSE FARMER - February 25

Fill Up Jose's Funeral plot.
Old school sci-fi readers would know him.
(Not a good month to be named Philip - and with one L at that.)
________________________________________

PAUL HARVEY - February 28

Dead as a damn doornail -
and that's the rest of his story.
________________________________________

JIMMY BOYD - March 7

He played Kelly Gregg's dorky boyfriend on Bachelor Father.
(Also milked a two minute spinoff pop music career from it.)
________________________________________

RON SILVER - March 15

He was that irritating guy with the fake-looking beard.
________________________________________

MARILYN CHAMBERS - April 12

The Ivory Snow girl -
plowed for the last time.
________________________________________

BEA ARTHUR - April 25

That's right - they wouldn't wanna
bury her with Bea Arthur's dick -
but they kinda had to.
Another Golden Girl turned Moldin' Girl.
Say "hi" to Estelle for us.
You're next, Betty White and Roo McWhatshername!
________________________________________

DANNY GANS - May 1

Has no future plans.
Yep, another "back pain and/or diabetes" pill popper overdose.
Drug of choice: Dilaudin.
Hey, celebs (and semi-celebs) you really have to
remember this: prescription drugs are not candy.
It's always better to live with a little "pain"
than to drop dead right now from a pill OD. Duh!
________________________________________

DOM DELUISE - May 4

Doomed Deadlouse.
Wow, he finally went somewhere that
Burt Reynolds wasn't already at first!
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DOM DIMAGGIO - May 8

This is a really bad week to be named "Dom."
________________________________________

CHUCK DALY - May 9

Former coach of the Detroit Pistons
now getting daily pissed on.
(And he never did learn how to spell "Daily.")
________________________________________

KOKO TAYLOR - June 3

This Wang Dang Doodle
is one passed away poodle.
________________________________________

DAVID CARRADINE - June 3

Toss another grasshopper
into the funeral home hopper.
From Kung Fu to Hung Fu.
They don't call it Bang-Cock in Tie-Land for nothing!
________________________________________

KENNY RANKIN - June 7

He ain't rankin' in the music biz anymore.
________________________________________

ED MCMAHON - June 23

Heeeeeeeeeeere's Deady!
________________________________________

FARRAH FAWCETT - June 25

Somebody finally turned off her leaky faucet.
________________________________________

MICHAEL JACKSON - June 25

This creepy assussed pedo,
a so-called "king of pop," just popped off.
Cause of croak: Drug overdose.
Comeback denied.
JUSTICE IS FINALLY SERVED.
Parody Party time:

MIKE'S DEAD

"Mike's dead, Mike's dead - oh! You know it!
Mike's dead, Mike's dead - oh! Jamal! Jamal Wilkes!
Huh? Who's dead? Mike is! Wooo!"
_______________________________________

GALE STORM - June 27

The alcohol storm is over, my little Margie.
________________________________________

BILLY MAYS - June 28

Did cocaine most days.
Now that stuff will Oxy Clean ya!
________________________________________

KARL MALDEN - July 1

Starred in the TV cop show The Streets Of San Francisco.
They needed two coffins for ol' Karl -
one for most of his body,
and one for that huge nose!
________________________________________

ALLEN KLEIN - July 4

Such a ham-handed hustler that he even made
nutty killer Phil Spector look calm and reflective.
________________________________________

ROBERT MCNAMARA - July 6

The chief architect of the Vietnam war -
which is why very few people ever wanted
to join McNamara's band.
(Then right before he dies he admits it was all just
one giant screwup, in The Fog Of War documentary.)
________________________________________

WALTER CRONKITE - July 17

"Dean of TV newsmen Walter Cronkite died today at age 92.
And DEAD'S the way it is, July 17th, 2009."
________________________________________

FREDERICK "REVEREND IKE" EIKERENKOETTER - July 28

This ersatz preacher (Ike as in Eik, get it?) liked to quote this saying:
"Although it is difficult for a rich man to get into heaven,
it would be impossible for a poor man -
since he can't even bribe for the gatekeeper."

But he forgot this one: "You can't take it with you."
(Not that Ike's goin' up there, anyway.)
________________________________________

JOHN HUGHES - August 6

Johnny Hughes' Dead Off.
Silly teenage angst at a Shakespearean level in high school = always funny.
Child endangerment = never funny.
________________________________________

EUNICE KENNEDY SHRIVER - August 11

First that case of the Shrivers made her into a Eunice.
So obviously from then on, it was all downhill.
________________________________________

LES PAUL - August 13

Well, this Gibson-booster WAS less - now he's nothing at all.
________________________________________

ROBERT NOVAK - August 18

Brain cancer? The bum never had a brain.
But another rotten right wing Republiscum
apologist is dead, which is all that matters.
Keep those dead Nazis goin', Mr. Reaper!
________________________________________

TED KENNEDY - August 25

Hey, wait a minute - didn't we just have
our dead Kennedy for this year, already?
________________________________________

DOMINICK DUNNE - August 26

As an expert O.J. Simpson trial writer, he's now investigating
how Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman feel like being dead.
Now that's what we call dedication to the journalistic craft!
________________________________________

ADAM "DJ AM" GOLDSTEIN - August 28

Seriously, with this latest "coincidence" by
ol' Grimmy Reaper, he's even outdone HIMSELF!
________________________________________

ARMY ARCHERD - September 8

First Larry Blyden and Johnny Grant, and now Army.
Soon there won't be any old Tinseltown tush-kissers left!
________________________________________

LARRY GELBART - SEPTEMBER 11

Shown accepting the Impact award during the taping of the 7th annual TV Land Awards in Los Angeles, California on April 19, 2009 are M*A*S*H* cast members (left to right) Loretta Swit, Kellye Nakahara-Wallet, Wayne Rogers, Alan Alda and series writer Larry Gelbart, who developed the popular movie "M*A*S*H" for television, and saw it last 11 seasons, becoming one of the most honored shows in U.S. television history before ending in 1983 with a final episode that set a record by attracting more than 106 million viewers.

The patriotic putz passed away on an anniversary of 9/11 - so you can't say this comedy writer didn't have a great sense of humor. But either way you slice him, now he's just M*A*S*H*E*D* potatoes!
________________________________________

PAUL BURKE - September 13

Was in the cult classic cheese-fest Valley Of The Dolls.
Ironically, he did not die of a pill overdose, though.
________________________________________

PATRICK SWAYZE - September 14

Ghost? Now he's a REAL one! Get it?
(Not very original, there, was he?)
Now he's dancin' at Chippendale's In Hell with Chris Farley.
________________________________________

MARY TRAVERS - September 16

That makes it Peter, Paul and Morguey.
Now at least she can stop robbing Peter to pay Paul!
________________________________________

HENRY GIBSON - September 17

"I'm Sure Not Holding A Laugh-In Now" ... by Henry Gibson.
(No relation to the Gibson Les Paul, mentioned earlier this month.
It's just another one of the Grim Reaper's ironic jokes .)
________________________________________

SUSAN ATKINS - September 24

No, not the diet doctor's daughter -
we mean the daughter of Satan Manson.
________________________________________

WILLIAM SAFIRE - September 27

This wordsmith ain't so damn firey anymore, is he?
________________________________________

AL MARTINO - October 13

A good singer, but early on he signed his life away to the wiseguys.
(Referred to in The Godfather.)
________________________________________

CAPTAIN LOU ALBANO - October 14

Girls just want to have fun, and Lou just wants to stay dead.
________________________________________

SOUPY SALES - October 22

A POE-EM FOR SOO-PEE

He's gone way up high
To that kiddie show in the sky -
So they buried the guy
With a nice big cream pie!
________________________________________

CARL BALLANTINE - November 3

He did all those magic tricks on McHale's Navy.
Now let's see if he can make himself come back!
________________________________________

DENNIS COLE - November 15

Now he's cole slaw.
________________________________________

KEN OBER - November 15

He used to host Remote Control.
These days he couldn't even reach the remote.
________________________________________

EDWARD WOODWARD - November 16

The Equalizer? Consider him equalized.
________________________________________

PAUL NASCHY - November 30

King of cheesy low budget Spanish horror flicks.
________________________________________

GENE BARRY - December 9

Burke's Law: Always try to live past age 90.
Check!
(Age: Over 90.)
________________________________________

ORAL ROBERTS - December 15

God just talked to him and told him to drop dead and go to hell.
(Now if we could also just get rid of those
four fools Falwell, Swaggert, Robertson and Bakker...)
________________________________________

ROY DISNEY - December 16

Nephew of Walt who ran the studio very well for many years.
But his biggest accomplishment might have been in
kicking Mike Eisner's sorry butt outta there.
________________________________________

JENNIFER JONES - December 17

That duel in the sun is over.
(Must have gotten quite a deep sunburn by now.)
________________________________________

DAN O'BANNON - December 17

Now he's going into some really alien territory.
________________________________________

CONNIE HINES - December 17

(With Mr. Ed and Alan Young.)
Played hottie wife Carol
on the silly sitcom Mr. Ed.
The horse got most of the lines,
but Connie had all the curves!
________________________________________

KIM PEEK - December 19

Real Rain Man Mr. Peek
hit a really bad dry spell this week.
Oh, ya - really bad, really.
________________________________________

BRITTANY MURPHY - December 20

Scratch another former lovely turned lollipop head for showbiz producers.
They're often found dead with a pack of "diet" pills in their gizzards -
you know, we're starting to think that drugs might be bad or something.
________________________________________

ARNOLD STANG - December 20

(Same day as Brittany Murphy.)
That's right, Arnie ol' buddy - YOU were really the famous
last celeb passing of 2009, not that Murphy chick.
And even at 91, YOU'RE much better looking, too!
________________________________________

= WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS YEAR, FOLKS! BUT STAY TUNED - YOU KNOW THE GRIM REAPER AIN'T DONE WITH THOSE CELEBS YET! MEANWHILE, ON THE UPPER RIGHT YOU CAN ALWAYS CHECK OUT THE LIST OF LATE LAMENTED LAYABOUTS FROM OTHER YEARS! ENJOY! =

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