PAT HINGLE - January 3
Patting down the earth over
cranky ol' Hingle's grave, that is.
________________________________________
RAY DENNIS STECKLER - January 7
Steckler finally got stuck.
Now he's become a mixed-up zombie!
________________________________________
DON GALLOWAY - January 8
Don went the way of the gallows, alright.
But he wasn't a burr in the side
of Raymond Burr's Ironside.
In fact, quite the opposite.
________________________________________
PATRICK MCGOOHAN - January 13
At last - a prisoner no more!
________________________________________
RICARDO MONTALBAN - January 14
(Must've heard about Patrick McGoohan the day before.)
You know that coffin is lined
with rich corinthian leather.
(And welcome to Fatalist Island.)
________________________________________
JOHN MORTIMER - January 16
Created the excellent Rumpole Of The Bailey.
________________________________________
ANDREW WYETH - January 16
Whyeth he hungeth around
so long, nobody knoweth.
________________________________________
JOHN UPDIKE - January 27
Rabbit Done.
(And now you can make that Downdike.)
________________________________________
PHILIP "GRANNY GOOSE" CAREY - February 6
"Are you grown up enough for Granny Goose?
Granny Goose - the adult potato chip!"
Nobody grew up enough to put it in their mouth,
so the puffy-flaked product quickly flew south.
________________________________________
JAMES WHITMORE - February 6
(Same day as Granny Goose.)
The next voice you hear...
sure as hell won't be Whitmore's!
________________________________________
ROBERT QUARRY - February 20
Now he's buried in a quarry.
Yes, we could be a lot
more rude and crude,
but even we're not
gonna mess with that Count Yorga dude!
________________________________________
EDWARD JUDD - February 24
Did the film First Men In The Moon,
but he's not the first man in the morgue.
________________________________________
PHILIP JOSE FARMER - February 25
Fill Up Jose's Funeral plot.
Old school sci-fi readers would know him.
(Not a good month to be named Philip - and with one L at that.)
________________________________________
PAUL HARVEY - February 28
Dead as a damn doornail -
and that's the rest of his story.
________________________________________
JIMMY BOYD - March 7
He played Kelly Gregg's dorky boyfriend on Bachelor Father.
(Also milked a two minute spinoff pop music career from it.)
________________________________________
RON SILVER - March 15
He was that irritating guy with the fake-looking beard.
________________________________________
MARILYN CHAMBERS - April 12
The Ivory Snow girl -
plowed for the last time.
________________________________________
BEA ARTHUR - April 25
That's right - they wouldn't wanna
bury her with Bea Arthur's dick -
but they kinda had to.
Another Golden Girl turned Moldin' Girl.
Say "hi" to Estelle for us.
You're next, Betty White and Roo McWhatshername!
________________________________________
DANNY GANS - May 1
Has no future plans.
Yep, another "back pain and/or diabetes" pill popper overdose.
Drug of choice: Dilaudin.
Hey, celebs (and semi-celebs) you really have to
remember this: prescription drugs are not candy.
It's always better to live with a little "pain"
than to drop dead right now from a pill OD. Duh!
________________________________________
DOM DELUISE - May 4
Doomed Deadlouse.
Wow, he finally went somewhere that
Burt Reynolds wasn't already at first!
________________________________________
DOM DIMAGGIO - May 8
This is a really bad week to be named "Dom."
________________________________________
CHUCK DALY - May 9
Former coach of the Detroit Pistons
now getting daily pissed on.
(And he never did learn how to spell "Daily.")
________________________________________
KOKO TAYLOR - June 3
This Wang Dang Doodle
is one passed away poodle.
________________________________________
DAVID CARRADINE - June 3
Toss another grasshopper
into the funeral home hopper.
From Kung Fu to Hung Fu.
They don't call it Bang-Cock in Tie-Land for nothing!
________________________________________
KENNY RANKIN - June 7
He ain't rankin' in the music biz anymore.
________________________________________
ED MCMAHON - June 23
Heeeeeeeeeeere's Deady!
________________________________________
FARRAH FAWCETT - June 25
Somebody finally turned off her leaky faucet.
________________________________________
MICHAEL JACKSON - June 25
This creepy assussed pedo,
a so-called "king of pop," just popped off.
Cause of croak: Drug overdose.
Comeback denied.
JUSTICE IS FINALLY SERVED.
Parody Party time:
MIKE'S DEAD
"Mike's dead, Mike's dead - oh! You know it!
Mike's dead, Mike's dead - oh! Jamal! Jamal Wilkes!
Huh? Who's dead? Mike is! Wooo!"
_______________________________________
GALE STORM - June 27
The alcohol storm is over, my little Margie.
________________________________________
BILLY MAYS - June 28
Did cocaine most days.
Now that stuff will Oxy Clean ya!
________________________________________
KARL MALDEN - July 1
Starred in the TV cop show The Streets Of San Francisco.
They needed two coffins for ol' Karl -
one for most of his body,
and one for that huge nose!
________________________________________
ALLEN KLEIN - July 4
Such a ham-handed hustler that he even made
nutty killer Phil Spector look calm and reflective.
________________________________________
ROBERT MCNAMARA - July 6
The chief architect of the Vietnam war -
which is why very few people ever wanted
to join McNamara's band.
(Then right before he dies he admits it was all just
one giant screwup, in The Fog Of War documentary.)
________________________________________
WALTER CRONKITE - July 17
"Dean of TV newsmen Walter Cronkite died today at age 92.
And DEAD'S the way it is, July 17th, 2009."
________________________________________
FREDERICK "REVEREND IKE" EIKERENKOETTER - July 28
This ersatz preacher (Ike as in Eik, get it?) liked to quote this saying:
"Although it is difficult for a rich man to get into heaven,
it would be impossible for a poor man -
since he can't even bribe for the gatekeeper."
But he forgot this one: "You can't take it with you."
(Not that Ike's goin' up there, anyway.)
________________________________________
JOHN HUGHES - August 6
Johnny Hughes' Dead Off.
Silly teenage angst at a Shakespearean level in high school = always funny.
Child endangerment = never funny.
________________________________________
EUNICE KENNEDY SHRIVER - August 11
First that case of the Shrivers made her into a Eunice.
So obviously from then on, it was all downhill.
________________________________________
LES PAUL - August 13
Well, this Gibson-booster WAS less - now he's nothing at all.
________________________________________
ROBERT NOVAK - August 18
Brain cancer? The bum never had a brain.
But another rotten right wing Republiscum
apologist is dead, which is all that matters.
Keep those dead Nazis goin', Mr. Reaper!
________________________________________
TED KENNEDY - August 25
Hey, wait a minute - didn't we just have
our dead Kennedy for this year, already?
________________________________________
DOMINICK DUNNE - August 26
As an expert O.J. Simpson trial writer, he's now investigating
how Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman feel like being dead.
Now that's what we call dedication to the journalistic craft!
________________________________________
ADAM "DJ AM" GOLDSTEIN - August 28
Seriously, with this latest "coincidence" by
ol' Grimmy Reaper, he's even outdone HIMSELF!
________________________________________
ARMY ARCHERD - September 8
First Larry Blyden and Johnny Grant, and now Army.
Soon there won't be any old Tinseltown tush-kissers left!
________________________________________
LARRY GELBART - SEPTEMBER 11
Shown accepting the Impact award during the taping of the 7th annual TV Land Awards in Los Angeles, California on April 19, 2009 are M*A*S*H* cast members (left to right) Loretta Swit, Kellye Nakahara-Wallet, Wayne Rogers, Alan Alda and series writer Larry Gelbart, who developed the popular movie "M*A*S*H" for television, and saw it last 11 seasons, becoming one of the most honored shows in U.S. television history before ending in 1983 with a final episode that set a record by attracting more than 106 million viewers.
The patriotic putz passed away on an anniversary of 9/11 - so you can't say this comedy writer didn't have a great sense of humor. But either way you slice him, now he's just M*A*S*H*E*D* potatoes!
________________________________________
PAUL BURKE - September 13
Was in the cult classic cheese-fest Valley Of The Dolls.
Ironically, he did not die of a pill overdose, though.
________________________________________
PATRICK SWAYZE - September 14
Ghost? Now he's a REAL one! Get it?
(Not very original, there, was he?)
Now he's dancin' at Chippendale's In Hell with Chris Farley.
________________________________________
MARY TRAVERS - September 16
That makes it Peter, Paul and Morguey.
Now at least she can stop robbing Peter to pay Paul!
________________________________________
HENRY GIBSON - September 17
"I'm Sure Not Holding A Laugh-In Now" ... by Henry Gibson.
(No relation to the Gibson Les Paul, mentioned earlier this month.
It's just another one of the Grim Reaper's ironic jokes .)
________________________________________
SUSAN ATKINS - September 24
No, not the diet doctor's daughter -
we mean the daughter of Satan Manson.
________________________________________
WILLIAM SAFIRE - September 27
This wordsmith ain't so damn firey anymore, is he?
________________________________________
AL MARTINO - October 13
A good singer, but early on he signed his life away to the wiseguys.
(Referred to in The Godfather.)
________________________________________
CAPTAIN LOU ALBANO - October 14
Girls just want to have fun, and Lou just wants to stay dead.
________________________________________
SOUPY SALES - October 22
A POE-EM FOR SOO-PEE
He's gone way up high
To that kiddie show in the sky -
So they buried the guy
With a nice big cream pie!
________________________________________
CARL BALLANTINE - November 3
He did all those magic tricks on McHale's Navy.
Now let's see if he can make himself come back!
________________________________________
DENNIS COLE - November 15
Now he's cole slaw.
________________________________________
KEN OBER - November 15
He used to host Remote Control.
These days he couldn't even reach the remote.
________________________________________
EDWARD WOODWARD - November 16
The Equalizer? Consider him equalized.
________________________________________
PAUL NASCHY - November 30
King of cheesy low budget Spanish horror flicks.
________________________________________
GENE BARRY - December 9
Burke's Law: Always try to live past age 90.
Check!
(Age: Over 90.)
________________________________________
ORAL ROBERTS - December 15
God just talked to him and told him to drop dead and go to hell.
(Now if we could also just get rid of those
four fools Falwell, Swaggert, Robertson and Bakker...)
________________________________________
ROY DISNEY - December 16
Nephew of Walt who ran the studio very well for many years.
But his biggest accomplishment might have been in
kicking Mike Eisner's sorry butt outta there.
________________________________________
JENNIFER JONES - December 17
That duel in the sun is over.
(Must have gotten quite a deep sunburn by now.)
________________________________________
DAN O'BANNON - December 17
Now he's going into some really alien territory.
________________________________________
CONNIE HINES - December 17
(With Mr. Ed and Alan Young.)
Played hottie wife Carol
on the silly sitcom Mr. Ed.
The horse got most of the lines,
but Connie had all the curves!
________________________________________
KIM PEEK - December 19
Real Rain Man Mr. Peek
hit a really bad dry spell this week.
Oh, ya - really bad, really.
________________________________________
BRITTANY MURPHY - December 20
Scratch another former lovely turned lollipop head for showbiz producers.
They're often found dead with a pack of "diet" pills in their gizzards -
you know, we're starting to think that drugs might be bad or something.
________________________________________
ARNOLD STANG - December 20
(Same day as Brittany Murphy.)
That's right, Arnie ol' buddy - YOU were really the famous
last celeb passing of 2009, not that Murphy chick.
And even at 91, YOU'RE much better looking, too!
________________________________________
= WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS YEAR, FOLKS! BUT STAY TUNED - YOU KNOW THE GRIM REAPER AIN'T DONE WITH THOSE CELEBS YET! MEANWHILE, ON THE UPPER RIGHT YOU CAN ALWAYS CHECK OUT THE LIST OF LATE LAMENTED LAYABOUTS FROM OTHER YEARS! ENJOY! =