AVERY SCHREIBER - January 7
That taxi driver comic's dead, know what I mean?
Know what I mean? Dead? Ya!
(And he was doing this bit before Dinero or Varney.)
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DAVE "WENDY" THOMAS - January 8
Burger bum goes buns up.
Wendy wept.
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CYRUS VANCE - January 12
No longer stands a chance to advance.
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FRANK SHUSTER- January 13
Frank's career was always on the Wayne, anyway.
(He was also the cousin of Joe Shuster, co-creator of Superman.)
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TED DEMME - January13
Two director brothers.
(Jonathan left, Ted right.)
Ted the Blow director blew it, allright -
the big fat dumb dopehead.
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CARRIE HAMILTON - January 20
She was a daughter of Carol Burnett.
When somebody's hair always looks this crappy -
and they're not in a comedy sketch -
then they're puffin' on the drug pipe, folks.
Moral: Don't go and have kids if your real baby is showbiz.
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PEGGY LEE - January 21
Is that all there is to a funeral pyre?
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PRINCESS MARGARET- February 9
Another bigtime Brit takes a hit.
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WAYLON JENNINGS - February 13
He ain't wailin' much nowadays.
They sing a stupid country tune
and start thinking they're a cowboy -
which is always good for a laugh.
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HOWARD K. SMITH - February 15
Make that Howard Kroaked Smith.
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CHUCK JONES - February 23
That buggy guy ain't so damn animated anymore.
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SPIKE MILLIGAN - February 27
Will never thrill again.
Shoulda watched those spiked drinks.
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SYLVESTER "PAT" WEAVER - March 15
Former head of NBC takes entry level job in HELL.
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MILTON BERLE - March 27
Uncle Miltie takes the big dirt nappie.
(But he hammed it up until age 94.)
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DUDLEY MOORE - March 27
I say, Dudley's much less now, isn't he? Righto!
(Same day as Berle.)
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BILLY WILDER - March 27
And Billy's much milder.
(Same day as Berle and Moore. Wow!)
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QUEEN ELIZABETH (QUEEN MOTHER) - March 30
We hear it was a royal mutha of a funeral.
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ROBERT URICH - April 16
The worst actor on TV, he still starred
in more series' than anyone in history.
Boy, his knees must have been awfully sore.
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THOR HEYERDAHL - April 18
Now his Heyerdahl is gonna get a lot more Thor.
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LINDA LOVELACE - April 22
The greatest throat talent since Beverly Sills.
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OTIS BLACKWELL - May 6
Now his oat is in the black well.
(Okay, that one was too easy.)
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JOE BONANNO - May 11
Wit all doo respeck, Joey Bans finally went bananas for the last time!
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DAVE BERG - May16
The Lighter Side Of Going Into The Light.
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JERRY DUNPHY - May 20
And now the news - Dunphy took a dumph.
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STEPHEN JAY GOULD - May 20
Make that Stephen Jay Ghoul.
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SAM SNEAD - May 23
The ol' duffer stopped working the ol' puffer.
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LEW WASSERMAN - June 3
Quite the cup and saucer man. A real showbiz gent.
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DEE DEE RAMONE - June 5
That makes two Ramones
In the yard of the musical bones
Will a third one also be fated
To get that sedated?
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JOHN GOTTI - June 10
Teflon Don meets cast iron cancer coffin.
Guess who won that one? At's a righta, Guido!
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BILL BLASS - June12
Designed clothes with class.
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ANN LANDERS - June 22
Now writing advice columns in hell.
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JOHN ENTWISTLE - June 27
This heroin head is one Who
could never resist his bass-er instincts.
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ROSEMARY CLOONEY - June 29
She kept getting gloomy,
now Satan's her roomie
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TED WILLIAMS - July 5
The Splendid Splinter
feels the eternal winter
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JOHN FRANKENHEIMER - July 6
And yet another auteur proves he'd
die to join The Director's Ghouled.
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ROD STEIGER - July 9
The heart of this pawnbroker
made him a real croaker.
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ALAN LOMAX - July 19
He looks his best in wax.
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CHIAM POTOK - July 23
Now in limbo taking potluck.
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LEO MCKERN - July 23
Without Rumpy, the old Bailey just won't be the same.
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CHICK HEARN - August 5
Avoided Hell by faking the Devil
right into the popcorn machine!
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JOHN ROSEBORO - August 16
Ain't catching no more sorrow.
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HOYT WILHELM - August 23
History's best sidearmer leaves the helm.
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LIONEL HAMPTON - August 31
Now playin' even more heavenly vibes.
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KIM HUNTER - September 11
She's finally off that dizzy streetcar.
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JOHNNY UNITAS - September 11
United we stand, but Unitas doesn't stand.
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LAWANDA PAGE - September 14
She's yellin' at all them hateful heathens in hell.
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JAMES GREGORY - September 16
Inspector Luger won't bug Barney Miller anymore.
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WHITNEY BLAKE - September 28
Rowing on hell's lake.
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TERESA GRAVES - October 10
Now she's in one.
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RAY CONIFF - October 12
Make that Ray Coffin -
now that's easy listening music.
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RICHARD HARRIS - October 25
Bigtime boozer finally turns dead loser.
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LONNIE DONNEGAN - November 3
It's the last time he'll be gone again.
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JONATHAN HARRIS - November 3
"Unhand me, you ridiculously rude reaper!"
Lost In Spruce - a spruce coffin, that is.
(And what a bad two week span
for the always classy Harris clan!)
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JAMES COBURN - November 18
Flint turns to lint.
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ROONE ARLEDGE - December 5
ABC's Wide World Of Stiffs.
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JOE STRUMMER - December 22
No longer strummin',
he's just bummin'.
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GEORGE ROY HILL - December 27
George Boot Hill.
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= WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR THIS YEAR, FOLKS! BUT STAY TUNED - YOU KNOW THE GRIM REAPER AIN'T DONE WITH THOSE CELEBS YET! MEANWHILE, ON THE UPPER RIGHT YOU CAN ALWAYS CHECK OUT THE
LIST OF LATE LAMENTED LAYABOUTS FROM OTHER YEARS! ENJOY! =